


Maybe I just want to be yours

by zoyalinayay



Category: Grishaverse - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, NSFW, Romance, Smut, row
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28672644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoyalinayay/pseuds/zoyalinayay
Summary: Nikolai Lantsov is preparing his country for war. With enemies crawling their way to Ravka, the king is forced to turn to an old enemy for his power and cooperation. Caught up in Nikolai's schemes, The Darkling plans on laying low and let Ravka destroy it's king.The problem lies when the devotion both men share for the country and the tension between them starts to break their hatred for one another.
Relationships: darkolai - Relationship, sturmling - Relationship
Comments: 13
Kudos: 63





	1. A deal with the devil

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the Starless Sturmhond girls x

“I don’t trust him, Nikolai.” Zoya mumbled to the king. “This is madness, he might kill you.”

“If he does, write it down and add it to his list of crimes then.” Always the playful response. But Aleksander wondered if the young king trusted him at all since he was willing to do this.

After Aleksander returned, Nikolai had convinced himself in using The Darkling as a weapon against the Fjerdans marching south. And though the shadows were still obedient to their master, his power wasn’t all there. But the darkness given to Nikolai by him wasn’t just a cruel punishment. It was a gift, a sample of his powers. Nikolai was a survivor. He certainly was harder to kill than The Darkling would like to admit. But that didn’t have to be a bad thing.

Nikolai had preserved the darkness inside of him. And now it was time for this darkness to leave the young man and return to it’s master. But when Aleksander had told Nikolai he could purge him of his demon, the others hadn’t been as convinced. Nikolai and the triumvirate had been debating this matter for weeks. They were running out of time with war approaching them.

And then one night, after a long meeting with his advisors, Nikolai had gone to the chamber where they kept The Darkling locked in. It was quite comical that they thought this was stopping him from attacking. They couldn’t tell how tired he truly was, that was good. He planned on keeping it that way.

He wasn’t surprised at the visit. He was more surprised he was by himself. Since his return, Zoya had been like a hawk watching over her king, protecting him, giving him all kinds of advices on how to kill The Darkling. It was almost pathetic.

Nikolai entered the chamber, alone and unafraid as always. He was always walked tall and confident as if the weight of his country wasn’t on his shoulders.

“Moi tsar. What do I owe the pleasure of the visit?”

The king looked around. He hadn’t come to those chambers to see him, ever. It was always Zoya and the twins that would wake him up in the morning or chain him at night.

“I just like to check up on my guests. See if they are comfortable.”  _ Smug bastard _ . “How are you this evening?”

“Splendid.”

Nikolai cocked his head to the side, most likely trying to read him. In the short time they had spent together, Aleksander was able to take note of the king’s mannerisms. He was intelligent, for an otkazat’sya. Always cooking up some plan in that blond head of his.

He certainly was an improvement compared to the past Lantsov kings. Maybe it was the bastard blood. Only proved that anyone outside of that saints forsaken family was more fit to lead the country. And he had to admit that the pirate king didn’t lacked spine. But he knew that already. Otherwise, he wouldn’t had chosen him to hold his power. Other person would’ve fallen into madness as soon as the claws began to grow. Not Nikolai.

However, it was be easier for Aleksander to see Nikolai as just a box holding his powers than to appreciate his talents and his charms.

“Did you come to make sure my bonds are tight enough?”

“Those bonds will never be tight enough for you.”

“Now that’s something we can agree on.” The Darkling raised his eyebrows.

The king sat down. His expression was less entertained now.

“Will it kill me?”

Aleksander could’ve grinned, but he kept himself serious enough. “Afraid of death, are you, moi tsar?”

“Not so much afraid. I just enjoy being alive. What can I say?”

“You have never lashed out for your brother’s death. I wonder, I made you a favor, did I not, moi tsar?”

_ Moi tsar _ , he kept calling Nikolai. It was mockery. The words sounded poisonous in his pretty lips. And Nikolai kept looking at his lips. Everyone was always so drawn to that man. Nikolai didn’t have to guess how. Even in bonds, even weak, even after all the crimes, after all the awful nights Nikolai had gone through because of The Darkling, he still looked like someone who you could lean on and give you comfort. Dangerous as he had ever been in his centuries of existence.

“Wouldn’t call it a favor. It was more like a shortcut.”

“Did you even take time to grieve him?”

“If you’re trying to upset me, surely you have better questions.”

His gray eyes fixated the king’s. And then he smiled. “Should I be crueler then?”

“I’d love to hear your insults, but I don’t have all night.”

“You have someone waiting? More like your father than I thought. May I take a guess? I want to say Zoya.”

“Commander Nazyalensky already daydreams about killing you, could you please keep your thoughts to yourself? I can’t stop her from killing you even if I wanted to.”

“But do you  _ want _ to stop her?”

Of course he didn’t. The Darkling was a problem. A stain. That’s how history would remember him. Not as the person behind the second army. Not as the savior of grisha. Not as someone who loved Ravka and wanted a stronger nation. He would just be a mad man.

“I want you to help me save this country. If you don’t, you’re worthless to us. To me.”

“How honest.”

Nikolai blinked, waiting. He sighed.

“I can remove most of the darkness in you.”

“Most?”

“I can not remove the darkness that it was there before me.”

Nikolai opened his mouth, but Aleksander lifted his hands to stop him. “I was with you this whole time, moi tsar. I know your fears and your hopes. I know how tired you are. I could remove what’s inside you and let you die. But there would be no point in that. I need you.”

Sounded like a lie. Did he think Nikolai was naïve or just vulnerable to his flattery?

“For what?”

“You are rather useful. Please, moi tsar. Just take the compliment.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” Nikolai said and leaned forward. “But being useful to you is something some consider concerning.”

“However, you do not.”

“And you disapprove?”

“You are very brave, moi tsar. That makes you stupid.”

“Now you’re just hurting my feelings for fun.”

“Will you let me do it, Nikolai?”

The king was almost startled by hearing his name spoken by that cold voice. And of course, The Darkling noticed that too.

“I will,” Nikolai spoke softly. “But I should warn you. If I don’t make it, you will have to deal with Zoya by yourself.”

“What would I do without my golden knight?”

But the jokes didn’t scared Nikolai into giving up. The ritual proceeded. They prepared a chamber, made sure there was no guards or people around the area, in case things got complicated. The twins and Zoya were outside, listening closely. All they could hear were Nikolai’s moans as his body burned the shadows away.

Aleksander’s cold hands rested on his chest. He was almost pleased at how vulnerable the king was. He could kill him right there, take down the people outside, take over Ravka. But what would be the point? War was rushing in. Let the young reckless king die at the hands of the Fjerdans.

The stronger Aleksander felt, the weaker Nikolai was. Aleksander felt tempted to just take every breath away from that arrogant  _ nothing _ . But then Nikolai passed out. The darkness was gone from his body. But the scars remained. Aleksander didn’t even took a moment to think and traced the king’s skin with his fingertips.

Nikolai sighed softly, still unconscious.

He had noticed it before: The sharpness of Nikolai’s face, the crooked part of his nose that he probably refused to have tailored, the golden hair perfect to hold his crown. He touched Nikolai’s face. He had soft skin. 

Aleksander had to shake himself into reality. It had been a lonely existence, but the last time he had tried to open up he… Well, he took a knife to the heart.


	2. Nothing personal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am truly sorry if there are typos, I like to write at night and english is not my first language. I still try my best, enjoy x

Against Zoya’s opinion, Aleksander stayed in Nikolai’s room during the night. After he purged the darkness out of the king, Nikolai had been affected by a hard fever. But Aleksander’s presence helped out, somehow. Zoya and Genya had considered that The Darkling had infected the king with some kind of sickness and that was the real reason why the two of them being close made Nikolai feel better.

“He needed a reason for Nikolai to keep him alive.” Zoya had told Genya. And the Tailor agreed, looking thoughtful about it. Maybe she had her own theory.

Aleksander could still remember the look of anger in the commander’s face while he was holding the king’s hand. And how she almost jumped to her feet when he reached for a scarf to clean Nikolai’s sweaty forehead. He couldn’t help but to smirk and that did the trick.

“Don’t touch him.” Zoya snatched the scarf off his hand. “I know you’re trying to make him sick. I won’t let you kill him.”

“Zoya, zoya, zoya.” He said, making her cringe at her own name. “No wonder my army is as damaged as it is. You forget your place.”

He had to admit he was waiting for some king of reaction but was still surprised when Zoya slammed her hands on the arms of his chair and leaned in.

“I rebuilt what you nearly killed. The second army was never bigger on numbers.”

“I take quality over quantity.” 

“No, you just take it all. That’s what you do. You take and steal and manipulate. Nikolai and I build.”

Her blue eyes had become more electric than he remembered. Maybe she let Genya tailor her away. It seemed likely. She had always been vain. But so was Aleksander, to some degree. The way a leader was presented was ridiculously important.

“Build what exactly? Everything you have was already built when it was  _ handed _ to you.”

“In ruins.”

“It was my creation. If anyone was to burn it down to ruins it might as well be me.”

“And nothing else matters? No one else. Not the lives of-”

“You didn’t complain about my leadership when you were brought to the little palace as a child. Or when I gave you an amplifier. I made a soldier out of you and at the very least you should watch your tone when you talk to me.”

“Watch my tone?!”

“Zoya.”

The door was opened. Genya stood there, not impressed at the discussion. “You are needed outside.”

Zoya glared at him.

“Go ahead. I could have killed him by now.”

Nikolai came to his senses the morning after. He had insisted that The Darkling would stay with him the night after. And the night after that one. He still didn’t feel quite himself.

The Darkling wasn’t thrilled to become the king’s roommate. But it was nicer than the chamber they had locked him in before. Besides there was something satisfying about Zoya’s anger in the morning when she came to wake them up. Nikolai probably didn’t share the same opinion, and to avoid conflicts he dismissed Zoya and her morning tonic to wake them up. Now, the bottle rested on his bed side and he would wake up Aleksander by himself.

*

“Did you sleep well, moi tsar?”

“Could’ve slept better without the sound of those horrible chains. You move too much.” Nikolai sat on the bed with his naked back turned to him.

“It depends on the night.”

“And who’s beside you, I assume.” Nikolai turned his face to him. “Perhaps we can take those chains away.”

“ _ Perhaps? _ ” He mocked the king. Could Nikolai truly put his guard down?

“We’ll use ropes instead.”

Aleksander couldn’t help but to find it amusing. “I’m starting to think you just like to have me tied up, moi tsar.”

“It is a lovely first sight in the morning, I must admit.” Nikolai stood up, putting on a washed shirt. “I haven’t sailed in a while, but I’m sure I still know my knots.”

“Sounds promising.”

Nikolai sighed. But he was smiling too. It was disturbing how easy life had become with The Darkling around. But Nikolai had noticed the way the other man had been acting, calm and collected. He wasn’t the cruel and serious general everyone talked about. His powers had returned and yet, there were no attempts to escape or fight. He had stayed by Nikolai’s bed side during nights of fever and weakness. He could have struck. Saints knew, Zoya wanted him to try. She wanted an excuse to light him up with her thunder.

And yet, there he was, laying on Nikolai’s bed, as peaceful as anyone could be in his place. The king could not put his guard down but sleeping next to the enemy made things complex. 

“ _ It shouldn’t be this easy to be around him _ ,” Genya had told him. “He will stab you in the back when you least expect.”

But what they didn’t understood is that it wasn’t easy for Nikolai to be so close to The Darkling. Some coward, tired, cruel part of him wanted to lay next to him in the night and tell him everything. The war was approaching, everyday they would send requests for young soldiers to come to the capital so they could prepare for Fjerda. Young lives that would be lost. Nikolai could only think of all the blood that would be on his scarred hands soon enough.

Then there was the Shu and their attacks that hadn’t stopped even with the engagement of Nikolai and princess Ehri. It would be easy to lean on The Darkling and ask him to take over, destroy everything, burn that broken country down so they could just start over. But he loved Ravka too much to give up his power to a maniac that would destroy it.

And then the worst happened.

Nikolai was always expecting murder attempts especially with the war approaching. Usually he was able to see it from a mile away. And when he didn’t Tolya and Tamar did. But the fact that it was The Darkling that pulled Nikolai by his wrist and covered both of them in shadows as the bullets went over their heads left a bad taste in Nikolai’s mouth. Or perhaps that was just the taste of blood from biting his tongue after the fall. One moment they were walking through the palace’s garden, trying to make a plan for the north border, the next thing they knew there was a shooting going on.

When Nikolai tried to get up, Aleksander stayed on top of him. Nikolai couldn’t see a thing, darkness was flowing around them.

“Not yet.” Aleksander spoke against his ear. He was so close and he wouldn’t back down.

“They’re on the roof.”

“I know. But they can not see us now.” He said, his warm lips touched Nikolai’s face. Nikolai tried to reach for his gun, but he stopped him. “Don’t move.”

The king felt a chill down his spine. He could hear the shooting and only hope none of his guards had been shot. Aleksander finally stood up. The shadows spread and Nikolai watched and the roof was destroyed by a single movement of Aleksander’s hands, along with the men previously shooting on it.

They fell. Their bodies mutilated. Nikolai could smell the blood.

“The palace is not secure. You should send patrols.” Aleksander offered him a hand. Nikolai stared at it. “Moi tsar, do you mind getting up tonight?”

The king took his hand getting on his feet. Guards were running down, Tamar and Tolya were there too. Shu mercenaries, they said. Hired to kill the king of Ravka. Nothing shocking, so why was Nikolai so surprised by the attack? He acted like he was unafraid, as always. But deep down he was ashamed. They were practically at war and there were enemies on his roof. How was he not prepared to be safe in his own house?

*

For someone as loving of peace and quiet, Aleksander was having trouble dealing with a silent Nikolai. He looked drained. This wasn’t usual. It couldn’t go unnoticed.

“Do you want me to hold your hand until you stop shivering, moi tsar?”

“Shivering?” Nikolai removed his gloves. More scars. He was covered in them. Aleksander thought that maybe he liked to show them off, the marks of a hero. But the truth was that Nikolai rarely showed his skin.

“Yes. Shivering.”

The king looked at his hands. He was shaking. Shaking of fear? Of anger?

“It’s a cold night.”

“Is that going to be your excuse for you to sleep closer to me?”

Nikolai sat on the bed. Aleksander smiled, quite pleased. He didn’t had to do anything, Ravka would break that boy apart. It was Nikolai’s fault for thinking he could change things. In the end he was just a fool. A hopeful fool with a good heart and a devious mind. He could’ve been a great king, in other circumstances. Even The Darkling could admit that. Not out loud, of course.

“I’m afraid not. I am still engaged to someone else.” Still, he said. Forever the romantic, expecting to marry for love.

“How is that working out so far?”

Nikolai took the rope under his bed and turned to the older man.

“Well, my fiancee is not trying to kill herself anymore. So, I’d say we’re making progress.”

“Marriage is a rough thing.” He offered his hands.

Nikolai tied his wrists. Was that man trying to distract him from his shaking?

“Is there a Mrs. Darkling I should know about? You should reach out. Two years dead might be a problem for the relationship.”

“No Mrs. Darkling.”

Nikolai chuckled almost melancholic. “I guess that would’ve been Alina.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have spoken of her. But that sense of rejection they could understand in each other.

“Perhaps if she had not died, she would have been Mrs. Lantsov.”

It was cruel to treat her as she was dead. But if The Darkling knew she was alive, wouldn’t he go after her for revenge?

Nikolai sighed. “I like to believe that.”

The Darkling just glared at him.  _ Did he knew? _

“She would still only think of that other useless nothing. I see that part of her in you. The love for empty, weak people. The need to be the heroes.”

They were looking in the eye now. Nikolai always had trouble being still, quiet, silent. So how come he couldn’t move?

“Also, the stupidity that comes with that same heroism.” He added.

“Yes, I understand. Alina and I were soulmates.” Nikolai said, ironic.

This was the first time Nikolai heard him laugh. He used the rest of the rope to tie his wrists to the bed.

“Is that really necessary? Do you think I can’t summon shadows to kill you, just because my hands are high above my head?”

Nikolai stared down at him. For all the provocations, the king was relieved he wasn’t alone that night.

“Not necessary at all. I just like to see you like this.”

“You can make all the jokes you want, your highness. I know you’re scared.”

“If I was scared of you, do you really think I’d keep you in my bed?”

“I didn’t say you are scared of me. That little shooting really affected you. Why is that? I thought you would be used by now.”

Nikolai hated that it was true.

“War is coming. I should be prepared. And yet there were mercenaries on my roof just a few hours ago. It’s ridiculous.”

Aleksander closed his mouth. He wasn’t expecting the sudden honesty. Nikolai was not exactly the type of man that just speaks what he’s really thinking about. Though there was no room for lies between them.  _ Time was running out. A war would come _ . Always the same thoughts. If they were quiet for a long time, they could almost hear the clocks, the seconds go by.

“I guess that never happened in the short time you were king.”

“No one dared, it’s true.”

Because he was a monster. And they were afraid of them. And he was not afraid of being feared instead of loved. But Nikolai was. He had spent all his life trying to be charming, to be loved, to have the attention he thought he deserved.

Sure, he was brave and honorable, with a mind that never rested and only knew how to make hundreds of back plans to save the people. But in the end, what would be his fate if the wars never ceased? Would he live forever as the wild pirate king, with his goodness and charms? If he wanted to be a strong king that was unlikely.

“You could be stronger if you wanted to. But you want to do things the right way. See where that got you. North and south marching against Ravka. Bravo, moi tsar.”

“I guess that’s the difference between the two of us. I want to do things the right way.”

“No. The difference between the two of us is far grander. It’s time. It’s power that you do not possess and can not even dream of.” Aleksander looked into those hazel hopeful eyes and struck. “I can give you that power.”

“You’re not putting that darkness in me again. I’ll cut your hands before you can even think of it.”

“Vile threats. If only you acted this way with your  _ real _ enemies.” He smirked.

“Were you always like this? I remember you used to be stiffer.”

“No,” He confessed. “But after you die, you start to put certain things aside. Besides I am not a general anymore. I’m not a leader. I’m just… What am I exactly, moi tsar?”

Some of the guards had been wondering the same. They had noticed how close Nikolai kept him. Rumours only spread.

“My prisoner.”

“Do you share your bed with your prisoners?”

“Only the ones that behave.”

“Am I going to have to share the bed with the Shu princess when you get married?”

“Tell me that wouldn’t be interesting.” Nikolai opened a smile at last. “I should keep you around until then for practice.”

“Practice?”

“For sharing the bed with someone that wants me dead.”

“Now why would you think that of me?” The Darkling asked, his voice steady and humorless. 

“Because I am the king of the country you want to be king of.”

“What if that isn’t what I want anymore?”

“Is your goal to take over the whole world now? You certainly have standards, I’ll give you that.”

“Perhaps it’s just marrying rich and see what it happens.”

“Well, my dear,” Nikolai sighed. “You are on the king’s bed. So maybe your latest plan is working.”

“Almost.”

And when Nikolai was about to ask what that meant The Darkling rolled over and planted himself on top of the king. His hands were still tied but Nikolai still held on to them to make sure he wouldn’t summon.

Aleksander didn’t waste more time. He reached for Nikolai’s mouth and kissed him. It wasn’t any good that he had his wrists tied to the bed, but the hunger was stronger than him. Nikolai pulled away. He could tell the king still thought this was personal.

“Am I supposed to be seduced?”

“You’re supposed to be quiet, moi tsar. I know it’s not easy for you but do try to stop talking.” He tried to kiss him again.

Nikolai turned his face, having his cheek and neck kissed instead. “What are you trying to do exactly?”

He sighed. He was more attractive when he was quiet. Maybe Aleksander should’ve just thrown him in bed when he was still shivering. But then again, Nikolai would probably think he was trying to murder him.

“Do you ever shut up?”

“Not when I’m awake, no.”

“No… You talk when you sleep too. It’s quite annoying.” As most things in Nikolai.

This was ridiculous, that man was tied to the bed and yet he was the one causing trouble. 

“Please don’t get me wrong.” Nikolai tried to breathe and think. “You make a  _ very _ compelling case,”

“I’ve been dead for years. Could you give me a break and just shut your mouth?”

Nikolai skimmed The Darkling’s face looking for evidence of his plans. He could only see the light hitting his left side. He was gorgeous of course, charming, one could even say. But Nikolai had given up the nights of passion with criminals he would never see again when he left the Sturmhond’s ships behind. Besides in all the years as a privateer he had never took in his bed a dictator grisha. There’s always a first, he though watching those gray eyes prey on him.

“I promise you, this doesn’t mean anything. You’ll return whole to your shu princess. Or your commander. Who ever it is that you belong to.” He came closer and took Nikolai’s lips for himself.

_ Ravka, _ he thought,  _ I belong to Ravka and Ravka only _ . But he wasn’t going to interrupt him again. The Darkling was not going to back down. Nikolai was still confused. It’s not like he could think straight while kissing him. But the questions were repeating themselves in his head, like an echo.

Was this an impulse? A mistake bound to happen and to be forgotten the morning after? Maybe. That would give some peace of mind to the king compared to the other theory. All that tranquility The Darkling had given Nikolai could be just him playing a game on the king. Hadn’t he seduced before? Hadn’t he manipulated everyone he possibly could? For Ravka, he would say, For the grisha.

Was he grinding on Nikolai for Ravka too? It seemed like a relevant question but every time Nikolai pulled away, he had his lips bitten before he could think of moving further away. Zoya would notice the bites and marks in the morning. Everyone would. But it was kind of late to stop this. Or maybe that was just an excuse because deep down he yearned for this too. An escape, a moment of evasion. It’s not like he had any intimacy with anyone ever since he came back to Ravka to fight for his throne.

_ Fuck it. _ He was just a weapon. He would be gone soon enough, if Nikolai wasn’t gone first. Nikolai kissed him back, feeling Aleksander’s lips curve into a smile. Yes, sure, Nikolai was falling into his evil plan. Whatever, let him think he was victorious. It’s not as if Nikolai wasn’t getting something from him too.

The king grabbed the fabric of Aleksander’s shirt and ripped it from the back. Maybe they could tell Zoya they had a fight before going to sleep. That was believable, right? It was a lot more believable that they spent the night going at each other’s throats.

Nikolai threw him over the side and quickly got on top of him. Maybe this would make him regret. He took his hand to the back of The Darkling’s neck and pulled his hair. Genya had commented he could use a haircut but refused to touch him. Nikolai remembered the look of disgust in pain in his friend’s eyes.

He disagreed with her though. The long black hair suited Aleksander. And it certainly felt good to pull it, making the man under him moan into Nikolai's mouth.

The Darkling was pale, not quite built like a soldier but strong, nonetheless. Perhaps he could even release himself from the rope around his wrists. Nikolai wanted to believe that for some reason, he was able to. He just chose to be under Nikolai, letting him take the lead for some twisted reasons. Saints, Nikolai loathed him. But he wanted this even more. They both knew it. They both felt how hard he was and when Nikolai removed his trousers, he decided to let the shame go by and not take hold of him. If he was going to do this, he might as well commit.

Nikolai never slept with much. In fact, before he had a roommate, he always slept naked. Of course that after The Darkling started to be around, Nikolai took the courtesy of wearing some pants. He hated it. And after that night he might as well never sleep in pants again.

"Don't move." Nikolai ordered sliding Aleksander's pants off his skin. They stared at each other.

_ Now what? _ It wasn't too late to change the course of the night. That was what he thought before leaning in and biting Aleksander's neck. His second thought was,  _ Stop thinking. _

This was tricky for him, but as soon as their erect members touched, and a warm feeling pressed his stomach he knew there wasn't much to think about.

" _ Hurt me _ ."

The king looked up and saw him glaring down at him.

That man... No, that boy had everything Aleksander ever wanted. Perhaps he deserved it but it didn't corrected the fact that it had been stolen from Aleksander. He would die. And Aleksander would find a way to recover his throne, at last. But before that could happen, this would.

"What?"

"Hurt me,  _ moi tsar _ ." He spoke, almost too commanding for someone tied up. "I know you want to. And I want you to all the same. I want to remember this moment when you’re gone."

"You do?" Nikolai brushed his fingertips on Aleksander's soft thighs, teasing him. "Why?"

They were eye to eye. Nikolai rubbed his nose on Aleksander's.

" _ I will _ remember you after you die." Aleksander spoke into his lips. "When they kill you I want it to be satisfying for me."

Nikolai pressed his lips into Aleksander’s warm neck. Then his collarbone. Then his chest. And when he sucked Aleksander's nipple Aleksander thought he was out of deep breaths.

"Hurt you, huh." Nikolai gave them room to breathe.

He looked down. The ancient grisha terror, tied by his wrists, naked, asking him for pain. Hell, he could get used to this.

"Should I grab a knife, then?"

"Don't tell me you can't hurt me with your hands. I’ve heard stories about Sturmhond."

Nikolai turned his body around. He seemed quite displeased, but he was the one that asked for this. Nikolai grabbed his right thigh and slid two fingers inside him the man. There was not a big reaction in him. Just a sudden change in his breathing. The same happened when he added another finger.

"Comfortable?"

Aleksander sighed, mildly annoyed.

"I guess we have all night."

Nikolai grinned like an idiot when he heard that, but he took his fingers out and positioned himself. Nikolai almost asked him if he really wanted this. But Aleksander had the left side of face pressed against the mattress. He was looking at Nikolai and when he saw him looking back, he just closed his eyes, as if he was bored. He made things easier.

Nikolai penetrated him slowly, finally hearing some kind of mumbles. He didn't want to make noise, that was obvious enough. Maybe it was hurting more than he wanted to show. Nikolai remembered his first time with a man. It looked like a lifetime ago.

Aleksander hated being tied to the bed. It only made him uncomfortable, but he didn't complain. He would get his revenge. He felt Nikolai closer to him, laying his torso on Aleksander's back without putting his whole weight on him. He covered Aleksander's mouth with one hand and trailed down his stomach with the other one while thrusting.

He knew what Nikolai was trying to do. He wasn't going to touch his cock. Instead, Nikolai just touched the sensitive skin around it, letting him harder to the point he tilted his body up, making it easier for Nikolai to press himself against him. At least the king wasn't bad at this.

Desire was something Aleksander spent his life avoiding. He didn't want to be vulnerable by his impulses. But being back in bed with someone that knew what he was doing made him want to be opened hearted most of the time.

Nikolai kissed his neck again and again, probably leaving marks the same as he did when he bite his shoulders and back. Hungry king. Starving. They could've been great together if he always acted like this. Or maybe that was the sex talking louder. 

He wanted to moan loudly when Nikolai held his waist, as if Aleksander was delicate and should be held carefully. But the surprising part was when Nikolai hugged him from behind and took things faster. It didn't seem fast enough for Aleksander though. He wanted everything at once. He always forgot to enjoy the present, but Nikolai seemed to be doing that for the both of them.

" _ Fuck. Me _ ." Nikolai whispered more to himself than to Aleksander.

Aleksander thought of the pain. It was a good pain, the type that makes even someone like him beg for more. But he didn't want to beg. He wanted to demand Nikolai to be faster, to hold him tighter, to be more aggressive and give him reasons to hate him. 

But all Aleksander was able to whisper was a soft " _ Niko _ " over and over again.

And Nikolai heard it despite his mind being a war of yelling and him gasping for air.  _ Niko _ . He couldn't remember anyone speaking his name in such a sweet tone. In fairness, everyone that Nikolai had slept with didn't even knew his real name. And then,

" _ Don't stop _ ,  _ Nikolai _ ." Aleksander asked. "Please,"

Nikolai bite his earlobe and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

"I won't, love."

And if he could, he would have never stopped. He hated him and he would have never stopped.


	3. The aftermath of a crime

“Not a word about this to Zoya.” Nikolai whispered.

He looked over at Aleksander. He’d been quiet ever since they had finished. The air felt warmer, the world felt calm. For a moment there, Nikolai had forgotten about the war. In fact, he had forgotten who he was somewhere between kisses and thrusts. And it felt damn good to forget, to stop thinking about everything for a few moments.

“Not a word about this to  _ anyone _ , moi tsar.” He spoke in the same tone. “Though if there are guards outside, someone might have heard you.”

“Me?” Nikolai chuckled. “My friend, you were the one making noise.” It wasn’t completely truth, but he couldn’t help himself from wanting to tease him. Something changed, he wanted to provoke Aleksander now. Nikolai knew it, and he wouldn’t admit it, but he wanted to repeat the crime they just had committed.

_ Crime. Yes, that’s what it feels to be near him. A crime. A sin _ . But then again, Nikolai was never built as a man of faith.

“Yes, of course. As you say, moi tsar.” He rolled his eyes.

Nikolai couldn’t stop looking at him. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Nikolai had done a lot of things kings weren’t supposed to. Hell, nothing in him was proper noble, not his birth, not his personality, not his youth, not the way he became king. But sleeping with a former dictator brought to life was somewhere on the least noble and honorable things he had done.

What would Zoya think? What would Genya, with her scars, say? And Alina, who had given part of herself to destroy him, what would she say if she knew? Actually, that one was easy to guess. She was always a violence enthusiast when it came to Nikolai’s mistakes and slip ups.

But deep down, what bothered Nikolai is that he didn’t felt regret over what just happened between them. He didn’t want to take it back. In fact, he could go for another try right there. And perhaps the most curious thing about it, is that Nikolai felt stronger than he had in weeks.

“What did you really do to me?” He mumbled.

“Even with my hands tied I knew it was a matter of time until you blamed me. But I didn’t force you, moi tsar. And you seem like you were enjoying yourself enough.”

“I meant… to my body.” Nikolai looked at his hands before looking at him again. “Why do I feel this way?”

Aleksander’s gray eyes met his gaze. There, Nikolai saw it. “You did something to me, didn’t you?”

It was entertaining enough that Nikolai was accusing him of anything while he was still red and tired. “You and I will be connected until one of us is gone for good. But you had to know that. That’s why I’m in your bed, isn’t it? Because without me around you feel weak.”

“Why is this happening?”

“I told you. I couldn’t remove all the darkness in you. Some of it belongs to you, moi tsar. You are not as pure as you claim to be.”

“Pure,” He could almost laugh. But it wasn’t funny. “If you die, will you possess me again?”

“No. I’ll be gone for good. And so will this power.  _ Unless _ , I pass it to someone else before.”

Aleksander hated to admit it, but it would be better to clarify that there were no seconds tries. 

“And are you going to pass it over?”

“Does that make you jealous, moi tsar? Perhaps I’ll pass it on to some Fjerdan marching down against you.”

“A Fjerdan? Truly?”

“Imagine that. Destroying Fjerda from within.” There was the madness. It shined through his gray eyes.

Nikolai grabbed the bottle with the tonic Genya prepared for him when he had a demon to contain. It was what he used to contain The Darkling too.

“Ready to go to sleep?”

“Not the romantic kind, are you, Nikolai?”

“I’m very romantic. But you made sure to tell me it didn’t mean anything.”

“Did I break your heart?” He asked before he sniffed the bottle. His head fell down on the pillow immediately.

_ No. Not yet _ , Nikolai looked at him. Beautiful. Cruel. Dangerous. And a little too naked. This was a nightmare.

*

The morning after was quiet. No jokes were made. In fact, no words were spoken until they left the room to attend a military meeting. And even then The Darkling didn’t really spoke. It was driving Nikolai mad. Maybe that was why he wasn’t speaking, to get in Nikolai’s head and bother him. Possibly to drive him insane and take over the throne. It was all he wanted, right? Power and a crown. Nikolai could give him both.

Thankfully Zoya was leading things well. Later when the meeting was over and everyone else was gone, Aleksander had stayed as quiet as he could looking at the maps on the table.

“Will you speak at some point?”

Aleksander looked up. “About what, moi tsar?”

“The border. The armies. The ships, the guns, anything.”

A small smile reached his lips. “Is that really what you want to talk about?”

Nikolai could’ve reached for his gun and shoot him, but he remained as calm as ever. “I thought we said no word about that.”

“To anyone else. I’m speaking to you.”

“You’ve been awfully quiet today. Was it that good last night that you are in a loss of words?”

Aleksander raised his eyes to the ceiling. “I will always admire your confidence, moi tsar.”

“I appreciate the sentiment.”  _ Darling, _ he wanted to call him. He wanted to call him something, anything. But he didn’t even have a title now. 

Aleksander stood up and walked behind Nikolai. Trouble was coming. “Don’t worry. We’ll still have the room for ourselves until you get married.” He spoke near Nikolai’s neck.

They certainly did. And he knew how wrong it was that the night before was not going to be their last one.

“Maybe you can even let my wrists free tonight.”

Nikolai’s lips curved in a smile as he looked back. “Now what would the fun be in that?”

“Are you that scared of me?”

“Scared?” Nikolai repeated feeling his neck kissed. “That’s an understatement. I told you. I like to have you tied up. You are better off like that, not causing trouble.”

“You know, moi tsar, I thought you were a bastard, but it turns out you have a lot in common with your “father”. Don’t you?”

“I beg your pardon?” 

“Using your servants like toys.”

“You would know what using people its like.”

Aleksander grinned and rested his chin on Nikolai’s shoulder. And then Nikolai felt The Darkling’s hands touching his waist and his arms around his torso. He was like a snake.

“They knew what they were doing, moi tsar. Everyone that followed me once, and then left to join Sankta Alina, they knew what they were doing. They all wanted grisha to rule. But no one had the stomach to get their hands dirty.”

“Or maybe you just lost your mind, and it took them a while to see that.”

“Do you think I am a mad man, moi tsar?”

That titled was starting to sting when it came from him. It was like he didn’t deserved it. Like he was a pretender. But Nikolai felt like a fraud all his life, it wasn’t a burden he couldn’t carry.

“Yes.”

“And yet you’re ready to risk it all and use me. Even if your life is at stake.”

“Why is my life more important to save than the thousands of soldiers serving Ravka?” Nikolai snapped. “Why should a country serve me if I’m not willing to risk myself for it?”

“So noble.” Aleksander closed his eyes. Always the same mocking tone. What did he know about sacrifice? “And who’ll lead when you’re gone? You have no sons. No daughters. No brothers or sisters.”

“Someone that will very lovingly take care of you when I’m gone. Zoya.” Nikolai smiled.

“A grisha queen with bad temperament. That will stop the wars.”

“Should I put you in charge then?”

“I did save your life yesterday. In fact, I think I served you more than once last night.”

“I was under the impression that I was making you a favor, not the contrary.”

“Perhaps we can come to an agreement,” His hands unbuckled Nikolai’s belt, taking the belt off his pants slowly.

“You’ll be the death of me.” Nikolai whispered before he realized what was happening. “What are you”

Aleksander tied his wrists with the best.

“Now who’s tied up?”

“Release me. Now, old man.”

Nikolai was turned around to face him. “What’s the fun in that?”

“Since when are you fun?”

“Would you believe me if I told that being around you has made me lighten up?”

“If you weren’t who you are,” Nikolai stared at his lips “sure.”

Aleksander moved forward and kissed the king the same way he had kissed him the night before, with hunger and a little more violence that Nikolai was prepared to take. Not that he had complained. But he did pull away to look at Aleksander.

“Are you ever going to explain what you are trying to accomplish here? I know I’m irresistible, but I just can’t wrap my head around your change of behavior.”

“Well, I never said you were smart.”

If The Darkling was trying to seduce him, he certainly needed lessons on how to court. Or maybe he could stick to his strategy, in the end whatever reason he had to corner the king didn’t matter because Nikolai wasn’t even resisting.

“So, what now?”

“You really can not keep your mouth shut.”

“I think you’ve proved that wrong before.”

“I remember hearing you talking midway.”

“Maybe you were just hearing voices. Would not surprise me.”

The comment was supposed to be a good laugh, not a reason for Aleksander to grab him by the collar to push him into the table. All Nikolai could think about was that it would be pretty humiliating if someone came in and saw him with his hands tied behind his back and The Darkling pressing his body against him.

“You need to take a step back.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m ordering you to.”

Aleksander relaxed his shoulders, waiting. If only he was obedient.

Nikolai took a deep breath. “If you release me now, I will not tie you to the bed tonight.”

He leaned forward, so close that he brushed Nikolai’s lips with his when he asked, “Just tonight?”

“ _ Why are you doing this _ ?” Nikolai whispered. This time it was him that reached for a kiss. He wasn’t as hungry for flesh as The Darkling. He was gentler and sweeter too. Too gentle and sweet, it made Aleksander lean back,

Aleksander looked the king in the eyes. “If this war does not kill you some other will. Because you’re not like other kings. You don’t hide in the palace, you fight.” Aleksander touched Nikolai’s chest. He could feel his heartbeat, even with all the layers between them. “It’s easier to have someone else kill you. Let you and your army fight the war. I will have whatever is left.”

“What if I don’t die?” Nikolai spoke brushing his lips on Aleksander’s neck.

“Perhaps I’ll kill you. Perhaps you’ll kill me. Perhaps you’ll break your promise and chain me to the bed tonight and every other night.”

Aleksander reached for Nikolai’s face, making them look in the eye, once again.

“I am not asking you for anything, Nikolai.”

“I disagree.” He whispered. Not because he wanted to whisper, he couldn’t make himself speak louder. “If anyone knew, I would lose everything.”

“Truly?” Aleksander cocked his head to the side. “What would you lose? No one can take away your crown.”

Nikolai stood up straighter. The difference between their heights became more obvious.

“There are worse things than to lose that crown.”

“Like what?”

“I would lose the triumvirate.”

“You mean Zoya?”

“I doubt Genya and her husband would stay by my side.”

“Good thing that I am not asking you for anything, then.”

But wasn’t he? “What are you doing then?”

Aleksander scanned that beautiful face. The face of the nation, of pride, of hope. Nikolai Lantsov was almost what The Darkling could have been.

“Enjoying you while I can.”


	4. When nothing becomes...

"We should sleep. Get some rest."

Nikolai kissed his chin in response. The king would have swallowed him whole if he could.

"I know."

Nikolai didn't wanted to sleep though. Because when the time for him to wake up came, he knew he would have to leave the for the battle. They both would. It felt like the beginning of the end. No matter how many weapons they had produced, how many grisha they had recruited in the last year, how many strategic twists they had prepared for the Fjerdans, it didn't seem enough.

Aleksander had a bad feeling about it as well. And it didn't amuse him as much as he thought it would. He kept imagining Nikolai falling to the ground. He wouldn't be a king then. Just another otkazat’sya injured in the battlefield.

He had spent most of his existence avoiding these awkward fragile affairs. The less you know, the less it hurts you to let go. But sleeping next to Nikolai, getting involved with him in acts of passion had been too reckless. He didn't wanted Nikolai to be gone.

Things changed for both of them. Nikolai seemed to trust him more. He didn't even used the sleeping tonic Genya created to force him to sleep anymore.

And Aleksander didn't felt the ancient need of being careful around Nikolai, he spoke his mind whether the king agreed or not. They spent little time by themselves, but their secret was still a secret. 

Sometimes when Nikolai would fall asleep right after sex, Aleksander was left alone with his thoughts. He would look at Nikolai sleep. Hear his soft snores. Well, sometimes soft snores, other times they were loud as a storm. On those nights Aleksander would hit Nikolai on his forehead, making him wake up startled.

Nikolai told him to not to do that, but he didn't cared and kept doing it as soon as he his snoring started to annoy him.

"I almost forgot this."

"What's "this"?" Aleksander traced the scar on Nikolai's shoulder. It was done by him when he marked Nikolai with his darkness.

"This feeling. Before going to battle. I didn't miss it."

"Brave boy" The Darkling had heard some call Nikolai when he joined the army. Sure, military service was required by royal men. But Nikolai started from the bottom like any other ravkan boy. Always proving himself to others. At the time Aleksander couldn't care less about the youngest prince.

"You will not be alone."

"That only makes it more terrifying. So much to lose."

Nikolai shook his head. 

"I can't sleep. Not yet." He turned his neck to Aleksander and held his face. "I need you."

"I will be there tomorrow, moi tsar. Chains or no chains, my place is there."

Nikolai chuckled. "That's good to hear. But I mean right now, at this moment. In this bed. I need you to make me forget."

Aleksander opened his mouth and looked down. "I think I should give you back part of"

"No."

"I know you're scared. But you survived to my shadows before."

"You need your powers. They weren't meant for me."

"I am not sure if that is true." He spoke softly. "Someone else would probably go mad with this power inside them."

You did. Nikolai wanted to say. But he forced himself to be quite before he knew what to tell him.

"Given the time maybe I would." The king looked at the top of the tent.

"Nikolai Nothing."

Nikolai didn't move a muscle, but his gaze snapped at Aleksander's side.

"That echoes in your mind from time to time."

"So?"

"You should be nothing. But you are not."

"You never fail me with those backhanded compliments of yours."

"I mean it."

"At least you're confident about your insults."

"My sweet, sweet king," he spoke, petting Nikolai's cheek.

"That's a little bit better."

"I am surprised to say," Aleksander looked away "but I like you, moi tsar."

Nikolai was visibly surprised by the honesty in his voice. Aleksander dared to look back at him. The look on the king's face was adorable.

"Will you miss me?"

"I believe I will. And I don't like that. But I think I will endure it."

"Good to know." Nikolai winked, making him sigh. "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I boring you in the possible last night of my life?"

"Every night is the possible last night of your life."

"Poetic."

"But since you might die,"

Aleksander layed his back on the bed. He didn't continue his sentence and the silence was making Nikolai more and more curious. Nikolai put his arm under Aleksander's head.

"What?"

"Aleksander."

Nikolai winced.

"Aleksander. That's my name. I want you to know it."

His gray eyes looked white when there was barely any light.

"Aleksander?" Nikolai spoke sounding almost out of breath. "I dislike it. It reminds me of my father."

"It's the only name I have."

"Sasha," Nikolai smiled from ear to ear. "I like Sasha better."

"Don't,"

Nikolai was getting used to see him smile, but he didn’t seem to get enough of it. "Sasha it is."

"I didn't tell you my name for you to make a pet name out of it."

Nikolai bite Aleksander’s neck before kissing it. So warm, so… his.

"Sashenka," 

Aleksander raised an eyebrow. "Sobachka."

"Murderer."

"Pretender."

"You fucking asshole,"

"Nikolai nothi"

Nikolai grabbed his face and kissed his bottom lip. Aleksander's mouth was always warm, always so opened, always so ready to be kissed. It was almost like he did it on purpose.

"Moi tsar," Aleksander grinned, grabbing Nikolai's throat. "Are you going to sleep?"

"I don't want to sleep. I want you."

He felt Nikolai's hand on the back of his head grabbing him by his hair.

"I need you," Nikolai leaned back letting Aleksander get on top of him. "Aleksander."

Nikolai felt his cold hands on his thighs and then the gut feeling that came with having Aleksander inside him.

"Again," He had a devil's grin. "Say it again."

Nikolai grab himself to Aleksander's back, feeling the intensely slow thrusts.

" _Aleksander_ ,"

"Again."

"Do you get aroused by hearing your own name?" Nikolai shut his eyes, enjoying the feeling in his body.

"I like it when you say it." 

So he did. He kept calling him in the dark until it was the only noise in their tent. Maybe someone had heard them. _Let them hear it_ , Nikolai told Aleksander earlier when he told the king he was being noisy. _I'll fight for the country tomorrow. Does it matter what I do in my bed tonight?_

It did matter. But Aleksander wished that Nikolai would always act like they didn't had to be a dirty secret. Aleksander had considered the possibility of this situation turning into something more permanent. He hasn't said it but he thought of it. It was enough to make him crazy, enough to make him want to choke Nikolai to death. But he didn't seem to make himself able to kill the king. Not when he knew how good Nikolai felt under him, on top of him, touching him, kissing him. And the worst were the nights they spoke in whispers and kept touching each other.

The sense of need did Aleksander wonder what would come of this. Maybe if they died tomorrow, he wouldn't have to find out. Maybe Nikolai would die on his arms and he would have Ravka or whatever it was left of it. But he hoped for something more. He hoped they both survived.

 _No._ It was more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to share this darkolai edit my friend did. She makes really cool edits. She's been very supportive, she even used quotes from this fic, so I'm very grateful to her!!  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CJ3tfjljWTW/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet


	5. Until death do us part

The air was so cold Nikolai could barely feel his nose. His uniform wasn't exactly warm either. It was made of a light fabric so he could run and shoot and move around. But he suspected that none of that was the reason why he was shaking.

"Did you sleep at all?"

Aleksander was washing his face with a towel when he heard the question. He looked up, his chin still dripping. "No."

"I did. An hour or two."

"More than that."

"How do you know?"

"You were snoring."

Nikolai smiled looking down at his hands.

"And you didn't hit me? That's unusual. Don't tell me your feelings for me are finally turning you into a gentle soul."

"You would love that, wouldn't you? The brave gentle king slaying the kingdom's demon with love."

"That would be the story to tell the children. The reality is a little bit more sensual."

Aleksander stared at the king. Nikolai had the structure of a soldier. He was brave, he would fight and he would make his best to survive. It didn't mean it would be enough. All that height and charisma didn’t make him less of a fragile human.

"This isn't a story to tell children."

"This isn't a story to tell anyone, as I recall you saying." Nikolai put on his jacket.

That was true. Even if one or both of them survived, no one could know about this. Any of it. They might as well die.

What? No, why would Aleksander even think that? Who cared about people knowing? What it did matter if this was all a secret? It was better like this, anyway. _Nikolai Nothing_ , he thought to himself. _Worst than a nothing. A Lantsov_. Except he wasn't a real Lantsov. Who was he? A king? A pirate? A lost prince? A brave idiot in a place of power? A lover?

"This doesn't end with us riding to the sunset. Even if we win today, we might not win tomorrow. Or the day after that."

Nikolai glanced at him. Aleksander closed his mouth and put on his black kefta. At least the triumvirate let him wear his color. Probably Nikolai had reasoned with them. He could hear the king's argument.

"What should he wear then? Nothing? Should we send him naked to the Fjerdans? That might give us advantage, I suppose."

And zoya's. "Let him wear rags."

Now Nikolai was watching him, perhaps looking for something. If he was looking for support, he might end disappointed. And soon enough he walked to Aleksander and touched the back of his neck. Just a subtle touch. His fingers were freezing.

"Yes. We can lose. But that just means we have something to lose. Something worth fighting for."

Aleksander rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. Always the romantic. Nikolai smiled weakly before pulling him into a kiss. They weren’t sure what that meant. They weren’t sure of anything at that point. The only thing Nikolai knew was that in a few hours he might be covered in blood and smelling like smoke, but if he died, Aleksander had given him some peace in his last night of living.

And all Aleksander knew was that Nikolai always opened his mouth as soon as they were close enough to feel each other breathing, which made it impossible to stop kissing him. It was always Nikolai that had to pull away in order for them not to choke on each other’s mouths. Not that it seemed like a bad way to die.

The other night Aleksander had kissed him so much Nikolai had leaned back to make them look at each other. Aleksander hated that, in that very moment, he felt shame. Shame that he was being so weak to his impulses; shame that he cared if they were caught because anyone could convince Nikolai that what they were doing was wrong; shame for being vulnerable, for leaning on Nikolai when Nikolai should be the one leaning on him. There was so much to be ashamed for.

But Nikolai just chuckled and brushed Aleksander’s hair back. He had a way to make things seem better even in the rare moments he was not speaking.

“Isn’t this better?”

Aleksander had looked at him, clearly not knowing what he was talking about. He was distracted, touching Nikolai’s scars. He felt an impulse to kiss them but he restrained himself. At least he could do that much. How did he let Nikolai drive him to this point?

“What is?”

“This. Instead of arguing with each other all the time. I find that exhausting.”

Only Nikolai could make things seem so simple. And he was wrong, because it wasn’t easier. It was… Well, yes, it was easier to give in and forget to think about what it all meant. But it wasn’t easy to carry the guilt of wanting to give up centuries of fight and sacrifice just because Nikolai was somehow a miracle of a good king and a surprisingly good lover. It was pathetic that he was falling apart for a few nights shared by them.

“I don’t like that.” Nikolai spoke, bringing Aleksander back to reality.

“What, moi tsar?” Aleksander sighed.

Nikolai’s hand caressed his chin as his eyes scanned Aleksander’s face looking for something.

“That look in your eyes.” His voice cracked. “I don’t like it one bit. You’re thinking about doing something terrible.”

“Isn’t everything I do terrible for you?”

“Not at all. That thing you do with your hands is kind of impressive, not terrible at all.”

“Before I die, I wish someone would hear you say that.”

“Sasha,” Nikolai called. Aleksander acted like he hated it, but it was the first time someone called him like that. He adored the nickname so much it made him want to fall into Nikolai’s arms. Niko’s arms. _Niko, niko, niko_.

“Moi tsar,” He whispered, looking down before kissing Nikolai’s palm.

“What are you thinking about, Aleksander?”

He almost smiled. “How much I hate you.”

“Is that so? Well, I have good news for you.”

“Do not make a stupid joke about dying.”

Nikolai closed his mouth guilty. Aleksander grabbed his hands. “You are not going to die. I will be by your side and make sure you don’t get the hero’s death you crave so much.”

Nikolai looked him in the eye without saying anything back. It was always strange when Nikolai kept his mouth shut. Then he pressed his body against Aleksander’s and put his arms around him in an embrace. For all the nights they shared together, this seemed a lot more intimate.

“You really are terrible.” Nikolai spoke against his ear.


	6. Stay with me

They weren't sure what to expect when they put The Darkling in front of the Fjerdan army.

"He created the fold" Nikolai told Zoya, "He should be able to handle an army. Right?"

"You're the king." She shrugged. It wasn't often that Zoya held her opinion back. Nikolai thought for a moment that she had hoped in his plan.

"And you're the commander. I need your support."

"If you wanted my support you would have left me kill him already." Zoya raised her chin, looking as arrogant as ever. "But I always expected you to put heart above duty."

Nikolai had looked at her. Scanned her eyes, her rough edges.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm not stupid. You two have been getting busy in the sheets, haven't you?"

Nikolai froze. He tried to relax his shoulders. He could trust Zoya. If he couldn't trust her who would he trust?

"I am not going to go on about how wrong and disappointing and even hurtful it is that you got seduced by him. I'm not going to make myself sad today, I can't afford to. But when it comes to saving Ravka, I just hope you don't mess things up."

She turned her back on Nikolai but was quickly stopped by the king. He grabbed her by the arm.

"You underestimate me."

"No. I don't. That's the scary part."

Now they were standing before a quiet field. It was like a void. Shadows were melting into the air and the smell of blood was taking over. Nikolai looked at Zoya. She was shocked but the pride took over her quickly.

"So he's useful."

They both saw Aleksander fall into the ground.

"Or not." She crossed her arms.

Nikolai ran to his body being followed by Zoya and the twins. Aleksander skin was cold as always. It was hard to tell what's going on.

"Tolya, take him to the tent. Make sure his heartbeat is steady until we're back."

"Back?" Zoya repeated.

"We need to know until where the damage goes."

***

"How is he?" Nikolai asked as soon as he walked in the tent.

"Hard to tell. His heartbeat is... Peculiar." Tamar explained, feeling his pulse.

"Don't ever make us take care of him. Please." Tolya said.

Nikolai just glanced at them before he sat down on the bed he was laid. He opened Aleksander's eyes, lifted his shirt to try to listen to his heart. He felt something there, but Tamar was right. His heartbeat was weak. Unsteady.

"Is this bastard trying to die on me?" He whispered to himself.

The king grabbed him by the collar and smacked him in the face. Once, twice and then he kept going until he let Aleksander fall back down on the mattress.

He wasn't gone. But he didn't seem present. And then Nikolai started to think. Did Aleksander decided to go rogue? Left his body and spread his darkness to another person? Several people? Who knew what was possible anymore.

"Zoya," Nikolai called standing up. "Light him up."

"Really?"

Of course she was thrilled to use electricity on him. Who could blame her? Even Nikolai wanted to do that at the moment.

Nikolai ripped his shirt off and gave space to Zoya.

"Don't kill him."

"No promises, Your Highness."

She touched his chest. It smelled like rain all lf the sudden. From one second to the other Aleksander's body twisted and Zoya was thrown into the ground. He sat up gasping for air.

"Zoya, what did you do?" Nikolai tried to help her up.

"Don't!" She yelled leaning away. "I might still have electricity in me, you'll get shocked."

Nikolai turned to Aleksander. He was sweating and still barely able to breathe. Nikolai took a towel and handed it to him.

"What happened?"

"Shouldn't I be asking that?"

"You destroyed their army."

"And the field." Tolya added.

"And then you passed out."

"It happens. From time to time." He said, cleaning his face. "It happened when I created the fold."

"We should add that to history books." Nikolai said, noticing how tired he was. "It was just a battle. I need you to be stronger if we want to win the war."

"What do you suggest?"

"I'm not sure."

***

"For a victorious king, you have been acting quite miserable." Aleksander said.

At every sound Aleksander made Nikolai thought he would lose his mind and snap. Things were different now. With the war came the silence, the tension, the distrust. None of it was welcoming.

Nikolai didn't want more motives to not trust the Darkling. He had enough. He needed reasons to trust him. He was desperate for a place of comfort in Aleksander's arms. It made him weak, he was aware. But when all you can show of yourself to other people is your strength, there's not much of it left to yourself.

All his life, Nikolai had fought to be the person that would save Ravka. Not because he thought of himself to be a savior or a hero seeking for glory. But because the country needed someone to do the things Nikolai was willing to do. And for a brief moment there he thought he could share that burden with the only person that seemed strong enough to carry it along with Nikolai. Someone who knew the country, someone had fought and bled for it and for the people. Someone who could make sure that after Nikolai was gone things stayed the same. Intact and alive, that is. If not Aleksander, then who?

Aleksander walked up to the king and handed him a bottle of kvas. Nikolai took it, forgetting they supposedly were in conversation.

"Nikolai," he called, his index finger pushed Nikolai's chin up to him. "Won't you tell me what is on your mind?"

"You. You're on my mind."

"Seeing the look on your face I don't feel flattered."

"Will you stay with me?" Nikolai asked, more like a boy than a man.

Aleksander hated and adored this side of him. Something about Nikolai's vulnerability made Aleksander think he would drown in it. It was so easy to slip up, embrace Nikolai and murmur kind lies in his ear, just to make sure he would open up a smile. Aleksander felt tempted to do it. But he couldn't. He wasn't sure why, but things were different.

"Where else would I be?"

Nikolai closed his mouth. Why doesn't he kiss me anymore? Aleksander stared at him.

"Will you ever tell me what you're thinking about?"

"I will. The same day you do."

Fire would rain before that would happen, or so he thought.

"I am thinking about kissing you."

Nikolai peaked at him. "Truly?"

Aleksander brushed his cheek. There would never be a day where Nikolai's didn't seem like a fallen star stuck in a world where he could only shine until he blinded all people. He pressed his lips to Nikolai's warm ones. The familiar sensation of affection took him by surprise. Why was this so nice? Why was Nikolai all the things Aleksander couldn't bring himself to enjoy, in all his centuries of living, in one person? How was he supposed to resist the king? To turn him away? To kill him? It seemed impossible.

Nikolai pulled him closer without separating their mouths. This is helpless. Nikolai realized. He would never be free from him again.

Aleksander leaned in. His mouth wide opened, his hand on Nikolai's face, pulling the king's skull against his. There never would be a sweeter kiss. They would never be free from each other.


	7. Caught in the Dark

Fjerda was weaken. Their numbers were reducing in high levels since Nikolai had unleashed The Darkling in battle. So the Fjerdans retreated. The first army celebrated, finally seeing a light in the end of the tunnel. Ironically that light came in the shape of Aleksander's shadows, but everyone seem to agree they would not speak of The Darkling as the country's savior. Deep down Nikolai understand that, just as he understood how hurtful it was for the grisha Aleksander had fought against before to be around him now and see him as an ally.

Now they were back home in Os Alta. Building their defenses, letting the soldiers have some rest and of course, trying to come up with as many solutions as they could everytime problems appeared in their hands.

And with all of those problems came Nikolai's distresses. His wedding with princess Ehri was approaching and it became obvious that sharing a bedroom with Aleksander wasn't acceptable. Nikolai was also forced by Zoya and Genya to spend some time with his bride to be. It was hard to form a friendship with someone when that is being forced to marry you. But Nikolai tried.

The real problem came during the night, when Nikolai was by himself and exhaustion took over. He had nightmares all the time. He would wake up sweating and gasping for air, not sure where he was. And the worst part is that there was no one to tell him. He was alone in the dark once again.

There was a particular bad night. He woke up with chest pains but he couldn't move. There was no light left in the room and his muscles seemed to be pushed down by it. As if someone, or something was there.

"Aleksander." He said. It was his first thought. He tried to breathe. Was the darkness to blame? Was Aleksander manipulating the shadows from his cell?

"Aleksander!" Nikolai grabbed the mattress with whatever strength he had left.

He did his best to roll over and move. He found his robe which he covered himself with before leaving his room.

Aleksander was startled when Nikolai unlocked the door and got in his bedroom. It was dark, they couldn't see each other, but only Nikolai and Genya had a key. And Genya wouldn't pay him a visit for the life of her.

"Aleksander," He gasped.

Aleksander winced. "I'm here."

Nikolai swallowed hard. His mouth was dry. He was still shaking. Saints, he was so weak he could’ve passed out. He leaned away from the door and immediately regretted it. He couldn't see anything. Aleksander could be a step away or ten, he wouldn’t know. All Nikolai could think about was that he was going to die. They would find Aleksander, they would make him pay if he murdered Nikolai. Zoya would be in charged and she would not rest until justice was done. She would call Nikolai a fool but he would get a proper funeral and the country would be safe, as safe as it could be.

But none of that gave peace to Nikolai because he was still going to die at the hands of someone that had he put faith in. And why had he done that when that person was The Darkling? It wasn’t just Zoya that would call him a fool, it would be everyone as soon as news that Nikolai had been murdered were out. That’s how he would be remembered. So much for saving Ravka.

"Were you in my room?"

"I was locked here all night. Were you dreaming of me?"

"Don't play dumb with me, it's not a good look." Nikolai opened his eyes as wide as could. It didn't make any change, he still couldn’t see anything, not even his own hands.

He heard something. A slip away. If Aleksander was in his bed before he had gotten up. _Now, he’s going to kill me now_.

"You were there. Your shadows were there. What were you trying to do?"

"Moi tsar," he called. He was on Nikolai's left. Nikolai reached out but found nothing. "I think you need to rest."

"This is all a trick isn't it? Zoya's right, you're manipulating your way back to power."

Aleksander lifted his chin. He couldn’t see Nikolai either, but he was comfortable with it. "I told you before. Even if I managed to do a coup, I would have no supporters."

"The starless cult is growing." Nikolai turned around. He was dizzy, he just wanted to reach something. A wall, a chair, anything. A chair would be nice, at least he could smash it on Aleksander once he got close enough. "You have followers."

"Fanatics. Desperate people. I wouldn't say they have admiration for me. They just have been failed by you and your triumvirate. So they held tight to someone else. They're not fighters."

His voice was so calm, so sure of himself. Was he mocking Nikolai? The darkness was taking Nikolai's air away, he felt tired. It could only be him doing this to him.

"That's why you're following orders, because you want to restore your name. And when I die the people will lean on you, once again." Nikolai stepped back almost falling before Aleksander found his wrist and pulled him against a wall. He grabbed Nikolai's face and squeezed it.

"How can you do this to me? I have served you. I have given you power and advantage in this war. You are making Ravka safe because of me. I have not hurt you when I could have killed you and this is what you do? You listen to your commander's whispers and accuse me of treason? After all I have done to keep you safe?!"

Nikolai's heart was beating so loudly he could barely hear himself thinking. He was terrified. Not of Aleksander but because of him. He felt so weak and defenseless ever since The Darkling cursed him with his darkness. And allowing things to become so complex between them was not helping him control the situation. The Darkling cursed him, Aleksander saved him. Was there a diference? Or was he The Darkling everytime he laid with Nikolai and held him close?

"Aleksander," he called again.

He gave the king his name. And part of him felt stupid for that. The other part was too pleased by the sound of Nikolai's voice pronouncing his name. It was the embracing he had yearn for too long. Death had followed him last time he had given someone his name. With Nikolai he thought something else might follow them both. Something worst than death.

"Forgive me." Nikolai whispered. He was so tired, Aleksander could tell and if he wasn’t so annoyed he would’ve held Nikolai right away and try to shake that fear out of him. "I am afraid."

So was he. But it wouldn't be much comfort to Nikolai if he confessed that. Aleksander touched Nikolai's face with both of his hands. He couldn't see Nikolai but he knew every detail on his face. It was easy to find his nose and touch it with his. Nikolai reached for his shoulder's and held himself to the shorter man.

"I can't have you as my enemy, Aleksander." Nikolai confessed. "I need you. As a friend. _By my side_."

Aleksander was surprised to like that word. It was obvious that they could never just be friends. For all kinds of reasons. But the word was warm and unfamiliar. He could use a friend like Nikolai. Someone to look for in the dark. By his side, he said. Well, that seemed like a pleasant place to stay.

"Then we will not be enemies, moi Tsar." He spoke into Nikolai's lips. "You don't have to be afraid of me."

Nikolai closed his eyes, focusing on the feeling of Aleksander’s skin against his. He looked for comfort in Aleksander. He wasn’t scared of the _him_ he got to know and even adore. He was scared of everything else about him. The unpredictability of The Darkling, the cruelty, the madness, the manipulation. Nikolai was one step away from making a decision Aleksander didn’t like and have him turn on him. At least, that’s how it felt.

"I wish that was true."

Aleksander almost stepped back. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to step away from Nikolai.

"I care for you." He said, wearing his heart on his hands like the child he had once been.

"Maybe," _Improbable_ , Nikolai thought. But he wanted to be proud someone like Aleksander could care for him. "But that might not be enough."

"What have I _not_ done for you since I returned?"

Nikolai felt the frustration in Aleksander's voice. It made him unstable. _This is it_ , Nikolai realized.

"Tell me, Nikolai. You make me out to be a monster. But I have been your monster at your service only."

"I can't forget what you did. Before."

Aleksander blinked, breathing in. There was a pause and then Nikolai's stomach felt sick.

"You are a madman. A murderer who was willing to sacrifice who ever you needed to in order to get what you want."

Aleksander finally felt like he could lean away but he didn't right away. Nikolai felt him go and almost cried to Aleksander not let go of him. Being around each other made the air for both poisonous. And yet there wasn't much Nikolai wouldn't sacrifice to have a moment of peace where they could kiss and die by each other's lips.

"Use the insults you want, sobachka. You were handed a country because of my mistakes."

Nikolai let his head touch the wall. "What do you want from me?"

"You just can not put together the fact that I don't need a logical reason to want you, can you?"

"Is that your plan?"

"I don't make plans anymore. I lost too much trying to build something just to be given to someone else."

"And yet you still came back."

"Death was not the peaceful rest people make it out to be."

"Maybe your sins followed you to the grave."

"Or perhaps the world is not done with me."

 _Hasn't there been enough suffering?_ Nikolai wanted to ask. "Are you not tired?"

Aleksander didn't want to answer. But it was Nikolai and he had an effect on people. "Of course,"

Nikolai found Aleksander's hands and held them to his chest. He wasn't sure about what he was doing, but he couldn't have Aleksander run from him now. Not now. Not after everything they gone through. "I can't bring you comfort."

Aleksander hesitated. Then he took a step and pressed his face to Nikolai's neck. That was a lie that Nikolai didn't know he was telling. He had great comfort to give Aleksander. He was the closest thing to a home Aleksander had in someone since Baghra had turned against him. He wouldn’t lose him like he lost his mother. He wouldn’t lose him like he lost Alina.

"Don't be my enemy. And I won't be yours." Aleksander spoke against Nikolai's skin before kissing his neck.

Nikolai put his arms around Aleksander, being held back. Finally the darkness was giving him something. "Do you promise?"

"Yes, moi Tsar." Aleksander whispered into his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my sweet baby volcra zadavit did another edit and if you liked this chapter you will love it, if you havent seen it already.  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CL7C3VvDRJl/?igshid=1p4nvkos0hvoj


	8. The laws of life

“It’s too tight.” Nikolai said. “I can’t breathe.”

“That’s not because the shirt is too tight.” Genya whispered adjusting his jacket.

Aleksander watched the two of them bickering back and forth for almost an hour. Nikolai was becoming inpatient. He had been this way for the whole week, but it was becoming more and more difficult to be around him without snapping back. Zoya was no where to be seen. Everytime Nikolai approached her she just shook her head and walked away. Genya seemed to be close to do the same, but she was still there handling things.

And Aleksander was left behind, in his silence just watching the wedding preparations for Nikolai and princess Ehri. The girl wasn’t much of a speaker, or maybe no one in the palace inspired her to speak. Perhaps Genya did. She always had an effect of comfort on people.

“I can’t,” Nikolai sighed deeply, looking up.

Genya gave Aleksander a subtle glance, but he didn’t seem interested in getting envolved.

“You’re just nervous.”

“I’m not nervous. I’m being forced to marry someone. You don’t know what’s that like.”

Aleksander’s chuckle didn’t allow Genya to respond. They both turned their necks to Aleksander. He had a feather in his hand, and he coughed, covering his laughter up.

“Today is not the day for your humor.”

“We have all had to do dirty things for honor. And all that.”

Genya breathed deeply looking away. She threw the scarf she was holding on the ground and walked to the table where her kit was. She was the last person standing and yet Aleksander’s attempt to be sympathetic with her seemed to be the breaking point.

“Genya,” Nikolai called. “I didn’t mean to”

“Moi Tsar, this isn’t about you.” Aleksander spoke.

Genya bite her teeth. Nikolai wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do here. He would stand by Genya, but he felt like Aleksander could have something to say. Something nice, for once. And Genya didn’t have to let him speak, but Nikolai was invested in this, if she would grant Aleksander a chance to redeem himself.

Genya pushed everything on the table to the ground and turned to Nikolai in fury.

“I have kept my tongue tied for months, but enough is enough! How can you just let him do this?”

Nikolai looked at her, in his kindness and guilt.

“This man is a monster! And I have to wonder if you ever look at me day by day, because the evidence is right here! In me! In all of me! He did this.” Genya clenched her fists. “And you just let him parade around after every crime and cruelty he has commited!”

“Genya, I need him.”

“You keep telling yourself that.”

“You should just let her speak.” Aleksander stood up, taking his gloves off.

Genya opened her mouth but was unable to speak at first. She turned her body to Aleksander and grabbed her own hands to keep herself from killing him.

“And you.” She spoke, lower than before. “If you were half the man everyone thought you were… If you were even a small fraction of the person, we all believed you to be…” She walked slowly towards Aleksander. “You would have the decency to not be condescending.”

“Who did you think I was, Genya?” He tilted his head.

Genya bite her lips. She felt the scar in the corner of her mouth and almost burst into tears. But the reality is that she didn’t thought she had tears left.

“I thought you were who you pretended to be.” She whispered. Truthfully, she didn’t trust herself to speak louder and risk her voice to crack. “I thought you were our savior. Someone who would make things right.” She nodded, looking him in the eye. It was something she had refused to do ever since he had come back to life. “Instead, you destroyed everything. You left us broken into pieces. Scarred. And now you’re back and trying to sneak your way into your old position. But you can’t possibly believe that’s going to be the outcome this time.”

Aleksander blinked and breathed in. He could still remember her screams as his monsters devoured her. He could still remember the smell of her blood in the air. The realization of what was happening and what he was doing. He could still remember Genya when she was just child, when he gifted her to the queen. At the time, she was a fragile little thing. And as she grew up, Aleksander could see so much of himself in her.

He remembered how badly shaking she was when she first told him what the king had done to her. Aleksander saw her as weapon. As a soldier. She was stronger than she looked, and way stronger than she thought herself to be. So, he used that. And she agreed to be used after a little persuation. But Aleksander still had unleashed his fury on her once she had crossed him.

“If it means anything, I overreacted.”

Genya blinked twice. She leaned forward as if she hadn’t had properly.

“You…?”

“Overreacted.” Aleksander repeated, looking straight ahead.

“Is that your excuse?”

“I didn’t say I was excusing myself. Do you want an apology?”

“No! Not from you.”

“Then what—”

“Because it wouldn’t mean anything. Because you have no regrets. Do you?”

Aleksander looked her up and down. “As in matter in fact I do.”

Genya closed her mouth. She turned away but quickly swung back and decked his nose making the man fall back into his chair. Nikolai watched it happen and wasn’t sure if she should intervene or just look shocked. So he did none.

Genya grabbed her kit from the floor and walked away. “Get yourself ready alone.”

They both flinched at the door slamming. Aleksander coughed and turned his back on Nikolai to look in the mirror. Nikolai unbutton his shirt that Genya just fixed and took a sip of his drink.

“You should not be drinking.”

“It’s my wedding day, of course I should be drinking. Drink with me.”

“No, thank you.”

Nikolai put down the glass. “Zoya said you should not go to the wedding.”

“Then we finally agree on something.”

“You don’t want to be there?” Nikolai looked at him through the mirror.

“I’m not a big fan of weddings.”

“Any bad experiences.”

“No,” Aleksander turned his head to Nikolai. “I just find them incredibly boring.”

Nikolai smiled, getting closer. “Your cell is more interesting then?”

“I always find something to pass the time in there.”

“Me too.” He saw Aleksander roll his eyes.

The king touched his arms and leaned in for a kiss but was quickly turned down.

"Don't even think about it." Aleksander crossed his arms, leaning away from him.

"Sashulya,"

"And don't start with the pet names either." He shoved Nikolai away and brushed his hair off his face.

"Do you have to reject me? Today?"

"I would reject you everyday if given the chance, moi Tsar. But today I am doing it out of courtesy for your bride. It wouldn't be polite if she was left in the altar while you get busy with the nation's disgraceful enemy."

Nikolai's hands were already around Aleksander's waist and his lips were trailing his neck.

"Your Highness," Aleksander called. He was smiling with eyes closed. "You have to stop."

"Then stop me."

"You can't expect me to be the voice of reason."

"Of course I can. You're old and wise."

"And mad, as you once said."

Nikolai made him stay still against the mirror near them. "If you don't stop me, then you don't mean it."

“You are such a child.”

Nikolai smirked and pressed his mouth against Aleksander's. It didn't taste as wine as it had the night before. He wanted the night before his wedding to never end and yet there they were, almost an hour from his tying the knot.

The day before, Nikolai had gone to his room pretty early compared to every other day. He also had dinner by himself. He couldn't deal with people talking about the wedding and truthfully people didn't want to deal with his bad mood either. But when he went to bed, he couldn't sleep. So, he did the only logical thing he could come up with. He went to Aleksander's cell.

"Another nightmare?" Aleksander looked him up and down as soon as he got in the room. This time they had the light of the candles. "Maybe you should have not sent your mother to the other side of the world. I sense that she could help you better with these problems than I can."

"Don't you miss me?" Nikolai locked the door and turned to the bed.

Aleksander was sat there, reading a book. Since he had been caged in his cell for a while he might as well find an interest.

"The real question is, do you miss me? I assume you're here either to accuse me of something or to satisfy your appetites before the wedding." he turned the page without even giving Nikolai another look.

Nikolai swallowed hard. Maybe Aleksander was right in his pettiness. He had only helped Nikolai and yet Nikolai had been unfair with him. And since the wedding was approaching, he had avoided meeting Aleksander in private which led him to be pretty much in solitude in his chamber. It wasn’t his intention, but Nikolai could come across as someone just using Aleksander. Like every other king before him.

"I do miss you." The king admitted when he got close enough to the bed. "And I am exhausted for tomorrow. Was it a mistake to come see you?"

Aleksander used every bit of his strength to not smile and give Nikolai any satisfaction. Instead, he chose to sigh in annoyance.

"I'll leave you."

"Don't be an idiot, moi Tsar." he put down the book on the bedside table. "You have come all this way to my humble cell. You might as well stay for a bit. Share your thoughts."

Nikolai looked him in the eye. He really needed a haircut, but all Nikolai could think of was touching the lock of hair crossing his forehead and eye.

"What if I stay all night?"

Aleksander looked away. "You're the king, its your call."

"I would never stay if it bothered you."

"You are being very sensible, moi tsar. Is it because you accused me of treason the last time you came to visit?"

"Perhaps." Nikolai mumbled like a child. It wasn't king like. In fact, it wasn't Nikolai like either. He was more and more fragile each day.

Aleksander glanced Nikolai's face searching for his favorite details. The tilt in chin. The scar in his eyebrow. The crooked part of his nose. Nikolai was the perfect sculpture of a hero, one that was poorly treated and yet had not lost his value.

"Come here, boy king."

Nikolai rolled his eyes at his tone but still accepted Aleksander's hand, letting himself being pulled to his side on the bed.

"Tell me what is troubling you, moi tsar."

"A million things."

"The night is young. And I know how much you love to talk."

Nikolai didn't care for his ironic words. He petted Aleksander's cheek with the back of his fingers. Slowly, gently, feeling the smoothness of his skin against his scarred hands. He missed this. Maybe a little too much. Then the thought arrived: This would never happen with anyone else ever again. He had only Aleksander this way. Ehri was barely his ally and soon they would be married and they wouldn’t have each other like this.

Aleksander almost felt guilty for mocking the king. But he could never bring himself to not enjoy Nikolai’s hardships. The more burdens and troubles Nikolai carried, the easier it was for him to fall on Aleksander’s arms. And that filled Aleksander’s heart like air filled his lungs.

Aleksander grabbed his hand and took his time kissing Nikolai's fingers and scars, one by one. Only someone as hurt and as strong as Nikolai could make Aleksander so sensitive. That’s what he believed in, only Nikolai deserved his attention.

"Do you ever hate me? Now? After everything, I mean." Nikolai asked. “I know I hurt you, even if I don’t mean to.”

Aleksander looked up to the ceiling without letting go of his hand.

"Hate is not the word I would use.” _Anymore_. “I envy you. So much. Sometimes I think I can kill you just of how angry I feel because of the things you have."

"Why don't you?"

They turned their gazes on each other. That was always the question wasn't it? Why was one of them still breathing? Why didn't the other one just end it?

"Then I would lose you. Whatever it is I have of you."

Nikolai reached for Aleksander's chin. His face always looked like a painting come to life.

"If I share it with you, would you stop hating me?"

"Share what?"

"All of it. Everything. Everything you want."

"You're speaking nonsense." Aleksander grinned.

"I mean it."

"You’re just scared." Aleksander said, leaving Nikolai with his lips parted with nothing to day. "You are marrying a stranger and that makes you afraid. You thought you would get to choose, didn't you?"

He did. Or at least he hoped for it. He was a king, he could decide which people went to war, or what religion was allowed but he couldn't pick a person to marry? Seemed absurd.

Aleksander kissed the back of his hand before kissing Nikolai's lips shortly. Nikolai wasn’t sure when was the last time he had done this. He assumed Aleksander knew the power him and his lips had on Nikolai, hence he almost never kissed Nikolai like this. Because he loved to make Nikolai yearn. Because Nikolai deserved suffering. It made Nikolai want to lose his head.

"It is better like this." Aleksander said. "You would choose the wrong person, moi tsar."

Nikolai smiled and let Aleksander brush his hair. It was uplifting. And that should concern him. Because someone as a mad mass murderer being a confident and lover isn't the ideal scenario, and since Nikolai was a king this brought a whole new level of shameless behavior he was displaying. But on the other hand, there was nothing better than to be allowed to be himself for once since the crown was on his head.

"If you were the king, who would you marry?"

Aleksander didn't take much time. "Someone that could match me. Balance me."

"Wise."

"Who would you choose? If you could."

"Not you." Nikolai raised an eyebrow.

"I am heartbroken." Aleksander blinked. "Who would it be? Would you choose someone like Zoya?"

"Is that jealousy I sense? For who? Her or me?"

Aleksander let Nikolai on top of him and didn't gave in to his precious golden boy smile.

"How are you the one of the two of us wearing a crown when you are so immature?"

"I didn't tear the country in two."

"You don't have the power to." Aleksander shrugged. He was so arrogant sometimes Nikolai could just put his hands around his neck and make his head hit on the wall repeatedly. But as soon as he grabbed Aleksander, he would always just kiss him instead.

Nikolai took his lips for himself and had Aleksander’s arms around him. Sometimes he had nightmares like this. Aleksander’s arms would turn into snakes and Nikolai would have his bones crushed and die in the dark. And yet, that never seemed to happen. Instead, Aleksander’s hands would squeeze his arms and take his clothes off.

They spoke and drank and even laughed together the night before the wedding. And when the candles lit out and left them in the dark, they held each other.

“Can I still visit you after tomorrow?”

Aleksander touched his palm with his. Nikolai’s hand was slightly bigger. “I’m not the one who will be wearing a wedding ring.”

“You don’t mind?”

“It won’t change anything. I’ll still be your worst secret.”

“You are very proud of it, aren’t you?”

“Yes. The worst part of your life is perhaps the tiniest of my problems.”

“Why do you never tell me about them?”

Aleksander breathed in. One thing was letting Nikolai close, letting him into his bed. Telling him his name and lending him his power was already a high form of trust. But telling him about centuries of burdens was not something in his list of grand romantic gestures.

“You should worry about your own problems.”

Nikolai kissed his naked shoulder and his collarbone. “This is why I can’t trust you.”

“If I shared anything with you, you would think I was lying. And you wouldn’t trust me.”

“And so, you choose to not share.”

“I know. You disapprove.”

“It’s hard to build bridges when you keep putting walls between us.”

But there would always be walls between them. They were different in time and positions. Nikolai was meant to rule, to live fast, to die bravely. And Aleksander had always believed he was meant to be grand, to be a savior. His death was disappointing. His return should have been spetacular. But he felt simple and lost, as he had never felt in his life. Nikolai was a nice distraction. Perhaps he was more than Aleksander was willing to admit. But how far could the two of them go together?

“Think about it this way. One day, I will die. And you will be here.” Nikolai intertwined their fingers. “And I will take your secrets to my grave.”

“That’s not the relief you think it is.”

Aleksander rested his head on Nikolai’s chest. One day he would be gone, and all of this would go away with him. There wasn’t a version of his life where Aleksander wasn’t all by himself once again. So why leave this life and embrace a short love story with Nikolai? It was asking to be hurt in ways he could simply avoid.

“Why not?”

“It’s a lonely thought, Nikolai.”

The king rubbed his fingers on the back of Aleksander’s neck in response. He could just leave it alone, but at the same time, could he?

“You don’t have to be alone now. Have you considered that?”

“What would be the point?”

“The point is,” Nikolai paused. “I figured that someone as ancient as you would have figured that these aren’t things you can avoid. You live, you suffer. You laugh at it too. You love and you mourn. And one day you’ll die, as all things do. Whether is in 50 years or 500. Tell me, in the life you have before, were you ever happy in avoiding other people?”

No, but that was not an answer he wanted to give.

“Life is not about happiness. Did you become king for your happiness?”

“We are not talking about me.”

“ _Did you_?”

“No. I did not. But I don’t restrict myself of friends and people that I adore just because we might die, and I will miss them dearly. I have lost people. I will always lose people. And people will lose me. But life is that way, why deny it?”

“I have a problem with the rules of nature.”

“The world remembers.”


	9. New lovers, old friends

"Shouldn't you be preparing yourself for the wedding?" Aleksander looked down on the woman. “Let me guess. You’re not excited about your king marrying another person.”

Zoya locked the chains around his ankles. "Why do you always think you can make questions and get answers from me?"

The Darkling had his mouth closed when she stood up.

"Silent treatment, huh? I don't mind it." She looked at his nose. "Heard Genya punched you."

He had do admit, "I guess I had it coming."

"I wish I could have seen it. Personally, I would have done worst if you did to me what you did to her."

"Yes, you are very powerful and ruthless. Everyone has heard it. The Druskelle shiver when they hear of the storm witch."

"And the Grisha get sick when they hear about The Darkling." She tilted her head. “Who do you think I rather be?”

"One of these days," he said. "Nikolai will die because of your pride and arrogance. Maybe then you will learn your place."

Zoya pulled his collar and slammed her forehead on his mouth. He could taste blood immediately and was thankful for it. It made spitting in her face a lot more entertaining. Of course he didn't laughed of the look on her face for long. He started choking out of the no where and fell to the ground gasping for air, desperate. Zoya looked down at him, cleaning her face. Her heel found his throat. She made him look at her, unable to breathe, just so she could see him suffer.

"When our king dies, I will mourn him.” She nodded. Her blue eyes sparkled with pleasure. “It's a shame you can't say the same. I know Nikolai likes his pet a lot. But I know when it's time to put down a filthy beast."

A shadow pushed her across the room into the hard wall. This was humiliating, but it wouldn't last. _Easy_ , He breathed deeply. _If I kill his general, what will Nikolai do_?

"That's it!” Zoya got up. “I don't care what Nikolai wants I am killing you right here and right-"

The blast made both of them get down for a few seconds. She was faster.

"NIKOLAI!" She yelled, leaving Aleksander behind, with chains in his ankles.

*

The explosion had struck them like lightning. Nikolai was on the ground, his ears ringing. He tried to yell for Ehri, but she was on the ground too. Nikolai dragged himself to her and was awfully shocked by seeing a dart in her neck. She was choking and crying and her body was trembling violently. He looked around. The guests were running, the Grisha had their arms risen and his guards were trying to evacuate.

It was Tamar that pulled Nikolai up and Tolya that took Ehri off the ground. Nikolai felt a bite in his right arm and looked at it. A dart just like the one on Ehri’s neck. He removed it as soon as he noticed it and ran outside of the room with the twins before the shooting began.

*

"I'm used to work with my own poisons," Genya's voice was shaking as she put the belt around Nikolai's arm to stop his circulation. "This might take me a little time,"

"We don't have time, Genya." Zoya helped the twins putting the materials on the table.

"No pressure." Nikolai leaned his head on his chair. He felt ill. Weak. His stomach was spinning and he was too warm to not have a fever. "Zoya, my love,"

The general rolled her eyes. "I'm letting that pass just because you might be dying."

"Go to my office. Bring me every paper you can."

"Paper?"

"Just do as you're told for once. And let Genya work.”

"David, go to the workshops. I need everything in this list." Genya gave a paper to her husband before taking her kefta off. "Nikolai, if you feel like you're going to fall asleep tell me. You can't let yourself be unconscious."

"Yes, love." He saw David and Zoya leave the room. Everything was getting annoyingly blurry.

"I got hand it to you, you're in a really good mood for someone who was poisoned." Tamar commented.

"In the chance that I might die, it would be a shame if in my last moments of life, I was a real cunt to all of you." He made Tamar chuckle. But under her “relaxed” pose, Nikolai could tell she was feeling uneasy.

"You are not going to die, moi tsar." Genya injected something into his arm.

"No one will blame you if I do, Genya."

She spared him a glance. "Well, of course not. This time I didn't poisoned the king."

"No, not this time." Nikolai smiled.

The took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "You can't die. So, don't."

"I will do my best." He nodded.

"He doesn't seem sober. What did you give him?"

"Something to slow down the poison. It’s going to be a long day.”

“Good thing I got drunk before the wedding. Speaking of which, can someone call him please?”

“Now?” Genya asked.

Nikolai gazed at her scars for a moment. He didn’t say another word, he just nodded. Tamar left the room. Tolya coughed and then stepped forward, which made Nikolai assume he had criticism over The Darkling being present.

“We should do something with the body.”

Nikolai sighed. He pretty much already knew Ehri stood no chance of surviving after he realized they had been poisoned. But the guilt of her death still laid on his chest. Her body rested on a table in another room, guarded by inferni chosen by Zoya. The whole palace was on lock down, there were guards everywhere and the guests for the wedding were more like prisoners at this point. Nikolai had no choice; he didn’t know who had attacked them. The enemies were inside his walls.

“She should return to Shu Han. Have a proper funeral there, in her real home. But I’m not sure about offering her body to queen Makhi. If she killed her own sister, I don’t see why she would respect Ehri enough to take her home.”

Genya and Tolya looked at each other.

“Could you do it? Could you give her a Shu funeral here in the palace? When things calm down, of course.”

“We can. Tamar and I will do it.”

“Good,” Nikolai closed his eyes. “ _Good_.”

“Don’t fall asleep.” Genya hit his face.

“It’s so blurry.”

Nikolai fought to keep his eyes opened. Death was knocking on his door, and poor Genya was trying to keep that door very much locked. She was trying to purge Nikolai’s blood with the help of David. Tolya made sure his heart was beating steady. But when he heard the door open and saw a men in black walk fast across the room, his heart was beating dangerously.

Aleksander never went near Nikolai in front of other people. They barely spoke to each other. But giving the looks everyone gave him as soon as he walked in, it didn’t make much difference if they had been discreet or if he had sat on Nikolai’s lap during the meetings they all attended together.

Aleksander noticed the pale shade of Nikolai’s skin. If he didn’t saw him breathing and blinking, he would have thought the king was dead.

“I see it wasn’t a boring wedding.”

Nikolai laughed and coughed. “No. You should have been there. You missed all the fun.”

“Next time.” He said, making him laugh again and cough worst than before. Genya rushed to give him a scarf to clean the blood that came out of his lips.

“I don’t believe there will be a next time.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You are not going to die.” Aleksander reached for his hand and got on one knee by Nikolai’s feet.

“You better pray I don’t. The odds are against you if I do.”

“I’m well aware. What happened?”

“The guards are working that out. There was a minor explosion a soon as Ehri arrived at the altar. We were thrown into the ground. And both of us were targets of these.” Nikolai was handed the dart that was previously on his arm. “Ehri died.”

Aleksander grabbed the dart and sniffed it. “Oleander… With a side of…”

“Castor Oil. And something else, I believe.” Genya completed. “Plants of the south.”

“The Shu then.” Tamar said.

“Or someone pretending to be the Shu.” Aleksander looked up at Nikolai. “You think it can be the Fjerdans?”

“I think it can be anyone at this point. I don’t see why so many people wish my death. Am I that enviable?”

Aleksander spared him a weak smile, that only he catched on. Everyone else seemed uncomfortable to just have The Darkling in the room with them. As they should, according to Aleksander’s thoughts.

“I should have left my cell.”

“Zoya had you locked.”

“She didn’t even close the door, she left running after we heard the explosion.”

“But you were in chains.”

“A single cut could have taken care of it.”

Nikolai looked around at the people surrounding him. Genya chose to not engage but even her seemed having something to say. The twins were looking at each other. So it was left to Nikolai to address it.

“You’re telling me you could run away this whole time?”

Aleksander tilted his head. “I thought you knew.”

“Why haven’t you?”

“Well,”

The door opened once again, this time Zoya and another girl walked in, holding a bunch of papers and notebooks. Zoya stopped walking when she saw Aleksander was there. He assumed it was because of their little tussle in the cell earlier. But the girl next to her, with white hair and just as in much shock as Zoya was, made it clear why everyone in the room was so tense all of the sudden. Her face was different. But Aleksander didn’t bother to look for similarities from her old features.

“Before the ritual,” He turned to Nikolai again. “I needed to stay around you. But as time passed, I figured I might stick around. You could use a hand in the war.”

“They don’t make gentlemen like you anymore.” Nikolai squeezed his hand. Was he apologizing for lying?

“ _I can see that_.” Aleksander almost bite his tongue.

He had known Alina was alive all along, but it still felt like a slap to the face for Nikolai to pretend she was dead and lie to him. Who were they fooling around? She was very much alive when she killed Aleksander. And she was powerless too. Whatever it was she used to destroy the fold, it couldn’t have killed her because it didn’t really came from her. Of course that he hadn’t asked Nikolai about her. Alina was to be forgotten and the less they spoke about her the better.

“Should I go question the Shu queen?”

“I should do it.” Zoya stepped up, after throwing all she took from Nikolai’s office on a table. Her hands were behind her back and her face was stone cold.

Aleksander almost laughed at her attempt to restore her general posture after letting Nikolai get poisoned, because she was too busy being petty and fighting with Aleksander on his cell. Aleksander looked down, waiting. She was still Nikolai’s general, his trusted general. And Aleksander was just… well, The Darkling.

“Yes.” Nikolai nodded. “Zoya, you should speak with the Shu. And _Aleksander_ ,”

Aleksander felt his heart jump out of his chest. To be called by his name in front of everyone, it should make him furious. Instead, he looked up to Nikolai and reached for a scarf to clean Nikolai’s sweat. He was burning up. He couldn’t be mad at the king for exposing his identity. He wasn’t all there. And what harm could it do for people to know a name? Maybe he just needed to let go of these old ideas that had restrained him all his life. Besides, there was nothing as pleasing as people seeing their king being intimate with him.

“Can you have a word with the Fjerdans? Find out what they’re up to.” He saw Aleksander nod.

He gave the king’s hand a squeeze too before he stood up. “Don’t die until I get back.”

“Was that threat?”

“If you die,” Aleksander took his gloves off his pocket to put them on. “I will follow you and drag you back from the other side myself. Don’t get comfortable.”

Nikolai sighed. “Your devotion is inspiring. The trouble you’ll go through just to not mourn me.”

Nikolai closed his eyes and let himself embrace how heavy his eyes felt. Genya smacked his face.

“I get the feeling you’re enjoying this a little too much.”

“You can’t fall asleep.” She said. He hoped for some irony, but Genya was the most serious he had seen her.

Aleksander looked Nikolai in the eyes and then leaned in, speaking in his ear so only he could hear his words. “ _Don’t fall asleep without me, moi tsar_.”

If they were out in the open they might as well be really open about it. The Darkling left the room without sparing anyone any kind of look, or justification. He didn’t need to answer to anyone, he had only Nikolai. And that was why Nikolai would not die.

“I should go too.” Zoya cleaned her hands to her kefta.

“No. Later. Right now, grab a paper and sit down. Also, what is she doing here?”

Alina snapped back to reality. Her eyes were still on the door. “What do you mean? I came to see you.”

“Tamar, take her back to her room.”

“Hold on,” She said, stepping closer. “you can’t just do this.”

“I invited you to a wedding. Not a funeral. Go to your room, I don’t like to be seen like this.”

“Nikolai. I’m already here. Let me help.”

Nikolai could barely see her, but he still gave her a sympathetic nod. She grabbed a notebook as did Zoya and they sat near Nikolai.

“Why did you let him talk with the Fjerdans?”

“The Fjerdans find you intimidating. But after what they saw in battle, they think The Darkling is a disturbing force. I can use that at the moment. I need you to show strength to the Shu queen.”

Alina poked the notebook with the pen on her hand. “He told you his name.”

Nikolai didn’t mean to call him by his name, not in front of everyone. But calling him anything else made him feel uneasy and he was already uncomfortable enough.

“Yes. One night, before we faced the Fjerdans.”

“Why?”

“I think he thought I would die.” Nikolai shrugged.

“You seem… quite friendly.” Alina winced.

“We’re not friendly.”

“No, they’re not.” Zoya commented in her sarcastic self. “It’s a little more than that.”

“You shouldn’t speak on what you don’t know.”

“Are you going to die, arguing with me over your relationship with The Darkling?”

“I don’t know. I’d like to die in different circumstances, but here we are, commander.”

“Are you blaming me?”

“Unless you were the person that poisoned me, then no, I am not blaming you. Why? Do you feel guilty?”

“If it wasn’t for your pet, I would’ve been by your side when everything happened.”

“And you think it would have changed anything?”

Zoya stared at him. “You don’t?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, does it? It happened and here we are. It’s going to be a long day, so can we please not argue?”

“If you think about it, you were lucky.” Genya said. “The princess died because they struck her right in the neck.”

“Please keep that in my elegy. «He was so lucky he was hit in the arm! Our king had a few more hours to suffer and rant to us in agony.»”

“Elegy? No, we will just let Tolya recite poetry in your honor.”

“That works too.”

“Truly?” Tolya sat down too.

“Sure. I might be brought back to life to ask you to stop.”

“As always, our king thinks of us first.” Tamar rested her hands on her brother’s shoulders.


	10. The lighter side of a shadow

The Darkling looked around the room. Zoya was absent and so was her sankta. The twins were outside, guarding the room. It left David and Genya taking care of Nikolai. They found a nice chaise-lounge for him to lay down while Genya and David purged him.

He was still white and sweaty. His hair was a mess, his shirt had stains of blood and he stank of Genya’s mixtures of liquids and antidotes.

“You’re back.” Nikolai spoke, softly.

“Yes, Your Highness.” Aleksander stepped closer and sat at the edge of the sofa. “How do you feel?”

“How do I look?”

Aleksander paused. “Terrible.”

“Huh.” he closed his eyes. “Then you know. Genya says I’m not going to die. I’m just going to suffer a lot for a few days and wish I was dead.”

“Seems like everyday.” Aleksander tugged Nikolai’s feet with the blanket that was on Nikolai’s legs.

“What did the Fjerdans said?”

“That you had it coming.”

“What did you do to them?”

They looked each other in the eyes. “I left them in the dark for a while. They had no useful information about the attack. I think that if it were the Shu, they have no interest in getting involved.”

“Hopefully Zoya will get something out of the queen.”

“I doubt that.”

Nikolai saw Genya roll her eye and smiled. “She has her ways.”

“I’ve experienced them. But as your general, is she allowed to just torture the queen of Shu Han for information on the murder of her sister?”

“When you put it like that,” Nikolai laid his head on the pillow. “Perhaps someone should’ve gone with her. Keep her in check.”

Nikolai gave Aleksander a sympathetic nod.

“What?”

“You could go,”

“I am not mentoring Zoya on an interrogation. She would kill the queen if I suggested a gentler approach. Even if it was the rational thing to do. You should send someone she tolerates.”

“It’s better to let her do this alone.” Genya recommended. “Have some faith in her.”

“I have the most faith in her.” Nikolai said. “That’s the problem. I believe she’s capable of everything, I think she will be overwhelmed with responsibility if… something happened.”

“Something like you getting murdered in your wedding day? Yes, things would change a lot around here.”

“You heard that?” He looked at Aleksander. “You would be hanged if it wasn’t for me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. They would make me a pyre, at least.”

“It’s hard for me to want to save you if you are making jokes about keeping him alive.” Genya looked up at the king.

Nikolai closed his mouth and looked down. “I am sorry.”

“Are you?”

“I am sorry you feel this way.”

“That’s not a real apology.” She said quickly. “You are not admitting that you are wrong.”

“If I thought I was wrong than I would not be keeping him alive, would I, Genya?”

“You don’t need him.”

“Should I put you in front of the Fjerdans then?”

David put down the instruments he was using. “Moi Tsar,”

“Or you? Or the hundreds of kids that are drafted to the first and the second army every year? Should I put you all against the tanks and the canons that are marching against us, David?”

Aleksander leaned back on the sofa, secretly enjoying Nikolai’s responses.

“You work very hard, both of you. But it’s very easy for you to forget what we are truly facing in the field when you stay in your fancy safe workshops.”

“No one is saying it’s easy. But do you think it’s fair for us to have him around? Treated like a guest?”

“David, what did I ever do to you?” Aleksander snapped.

David blinked and put a hand on Genya’s shoulder.

“Look at what you did to my wife.”

“Clearly looks are not important. You still married her.”

“It’s not about looks. You put her through hell.”

“It made her stronger.”

“You let her be abused for years!”

“Genya,” Aleksander looked at her. “did I not offer you an exit?”

“Don’t do that.” She asked, in a low tone. “Don’t pretend it was as easy as that.”

“You stayed because you knew you could help changing things. Because you wanted to change things. You know it’s true. And things changed. Everything worked out your way, didn’t?”

Genya bite her teeth.

“You are gained a few scars. So what? You also became an important member of the royal circle. You gained the respect of every Grisha. People admire you for everything you’ve done. Don’t they?”

“It doesn’t make the things I’ve been through tolerable.”

“You didn’t get what you deserve.” Aleksander admitted. “No one does.”

“No,” She looked at him. “I am sure of that everyday. _People don’t get what they deserve.”_

“Genya,” Nikolai called, rather calming. “do you still believe I should be king?”

She did. But she was hurt. Truly. Ever since she met Nikolai, he had given her a place to speak her truth, to help, to be useful and he didn’t ask much in return. He was more than a king requiring services and work. He was a friend. And now that friend was somehow forgetting all the horrors she had lived and for what? She couldn’t understand how Nikolai had let himself be manipulated by the same person that he helped destroy before. He wasn’t a stranger; Nikolai should know who he was dealing with.

“Do you think I would be having all this trouble to save you if I thought you were not a good king?” Genya faced him. “You are what Ravka needs. He isn’t.”

 _He is what I need_. Nikolai wanted to say. But how could he put it in words she could comprehend?

“Why do you think I am what Ravka needs?”

“You’re the most dedicated person to this country I have ever met.” She looked down, while she continued to work on his skin. “You are intelligent. You are strong. You care for the people. Peasants call you bastard and pretender; they try to riot against you. But you laugh with them and win them over in a single moment. You are _good_ , Nikolai.”

“You are wrong.” He saw her and David lift their eyes at his bitter tone. He wasn’t bitter, ever. He hide his bad moods with confidence and his sorrows with jokes no one laughed at. He wasn’t bitter. “I try. I truly try, my best, everyday. But I can’t be good if I want to be a good king. Not really.”

“Nikolai,”

“She is right.” Aleksander scared Genya by his sudden interruption.

David refused to look at him again. But Genya did and so did Nikolai.

“Have you ever studied the life of Ivan Lantsov II? Your great-great-” He count by the fingers. “great-grandfather.”

“I was never the greatest student. But please, tell us a story. Who was he?”

“An imbecile. As most Lantsov were.” Aleksander said. “A drunken fool with a surprising admiration for Tidemakers. He thought Ravka would defeat Fjerda on the sea and spent most of the fortune in rotting ships.”

“You mean the country of fishermen?” Genya asked. “Let me guess, Ravka did not won.”

Aleksander pointed at her. “No, we did not. Thousands died. And the fleet was destroyed in weeks. I faked my death and your relative spent his last days surrounded by wine and whores.”

“Brilliant. Am I supposed to feel better because in comparison with the past kings, I am _somehow_ more successful?

Aleksander pointed at him. “Not exactly. The point is that she is right. The Lantsov dinasty has destroyed this country and it’s people for centuries because… They could. They were handed everything from generation to generation. They sat in this palace just as we’re sitting and they had their drinks and fancy fakes and their only concern was that no one came close to the walls of Os Alta.”

“And you served them.”

Aleksander slowly turned his eyes to her. “Before the little palace, where do you think the Grisha lived?”

“All around.” Genya shrugged. “Hidden.”

“Sometimes. Mostly, there were camps. Whole tribes in union afraid of the Druskelle and expelled from place to place by the Ravkans. I served. And I built the little palace. What would you have done?”

Genya relaxed her shoulders, but her guard was up. “This is why no one will ever trust you again. You did all of this of Grisha and then you just stab everyone in the back?!”

“You betrayed my trust first.”

Genya considered throwing the scissors in David’s hand to his head. Sure, maybe she betrayed him first by letting Alina go. She didn’t feed him to monsters. He did that to her. Was he that unaware of his own actions?

*

As Aleksender watched Nikolai finally get some deserved sleep, he thought about everyone in that room. How much they hated him. How they were starting to hate Nikolai too. They did not deserve to be near Nikolai. They had loud useless opinions. They would become dust.

But that made them live closer to Nikolai too. Someday he would be dust too. The best king Ravka had seen in a very long time was incredibly fragile. He would die young, Aleksander just knew it. And it was unfair. All the other kings, the tyrants he had met, the nothings he had served lived long lives, stuffing themselves with food and parties in that ugly palace while the wars never ended.

But Nikolai was a fighter. He was a survivor and he deserved more. And maybe life wouldn't give Nikolai what he deserved. It rarely gave what people deserved anyway. So, someone else had to do it. Nikolai deserved a chance at cleaning his scarred hands once and for all.

He brushed Nikolai's hair. His skin color was returning to something healthier and not so pale.

Zoya walked in, followed by the white-haired girl, once again. Aleksander tried to ignore them, but they were staring at him and it bothered him.

"Did the queen confessed anything?"

"No. Obviously. But her guards were the ones blowing the darts, there are too many witnesses for her to deny her people are guilty."

"What now?"

"Her guards will have a trial here in Ravka. She will leave for Shu Han soon."

"And the princess’ body?"

"She's taking it for the funeral."

"What a devoted sister." Aleksander held Nikolai's hand against his chin.

Something about being able to touch Nikolai in front of people felt powerful. Nikolai wasn't a puppet in his hands. He was too smart for it. But without even planning to, Aleksander had rigged the game. His circle thought Nikolai was falling into The Darkling's web. Aleksander felt temptation to prove them right and snatch the opportunity of manipulating Nikolai into his own wishes.

But the truth was so much simpler than that. He cared about the king’s being. In fact, if Aleksander thought deeply about it, Nikolai was the one that seemed to be manipulating him. The king used him as a weapon, visited him whenever he felt too lonely and avoided him for his own sake around the triumvirate. He made Aleksander care for him and believe he was a king worth fighting for. It was all absurd but whenever Aleksander dared to think about turning on Nikolai he seemed to be unable to cross him. Worst, he felt guilty for even thinking about it.

And then he felt an abism at the edge of his feet. He felt lost in the dark instead of welcomed. Death didn’t give him peace. Life didn’t gave him comfort. And yet he still returned in the search of something. He wasn’t the same person that had died in the fold. He had been reborned, body and soul. And he wasn’t sure if he enjoyed it, not when other people that weren’t Nikolai looked at him. This change of hearts could only end in something awful.

"How is your chin?" Zoya asked.

"How is your head?"

"I hope you know I will deal with you later."

"How exciting." Aleksander sighed without sparing her a look.

Alina stepped closer to the bed. Everything else was off but her voice was still the same. "Aleksander,"

He closed his eyes and squeezed Nikolai's hand by accident. Thankfully he didn't open his eyes.

"Why did you come back?"

He looked at her, in a way that made her flinch just by him turning his face in her direction. Zoya lifted her chin, protective of her friend. _Who would have guessed_?

Aleksander shrugged. "Just to prove that I could. That's what someone like me does, I suppose. We just keep testing ourselves. You know all about that don't you?"

Alina breathed deeply. Did he hurt her saint-like pride?

"I almost feel pity for you," Both girls were startled at the honest empathic tone. "To be stripped away of your power like that," He shook his head. "It is terrible. And you lost it all for what? I am still here."

"The fold is gone."

He couldn't help himself and grinned. "I could create another one. Bigger. Worse."

His smile faded while looking at Nikolai's peaceful features.

"I will not. But I could. What would your sacrifice mean then?" He looked at them again.

"I don't regret not giving up on defeating you."

"Maybe that is why you keep losing." He whispered, as if it was less cruel than to say it louder.

"If only Nikolai could hear you," Zoya shook her head.

"I don't have to hide myself from the king. I am sure he would condemn me and be outraged. But I don’t have to lie to him."

"He has you on a leash then. That's good to know."

"That is a bold provocation for someone who has not punished the man that killed her family because the king said, 'pretty please'."

Zoya clenched her fists.

"And you, saint of the Nothings and the nobodies." He turned his eyes to Alina. "Why are you here? Your chance to be meaningful has passed. You have killed your destiny to remove yourself from the narrative. So why are you here, pretending to have some fight in you?"

Alina stepped forward. Zoya watched her. "Next time, soon enough, there will be no one to mourn you. You will be forgotten. Quicker than the rest of us."

The Darkling rolled his eyes as they left the room, hurt and ready to give Nikolai a speech on how they should get rid of Aleksander. It didn't matter. He was done with all the courtesy too. He kissed the back of Nikolai’s hand and rested his head against the bed.

Nikolai pretended to wake up a long time after. He struggled to know how to deal with all of this. On one hand, The Darkling had a horrifying past, hands so full of blood the smell couldn't be erased, and by the earlier conversations, he didn't seem to change very much.

On the other hand, Aleksander was unique. There was something in his darkness Nikolai could lean on. Something comfortable in him. He wasn't just powerful and thoughtful. He allowed Nikolai to be vulnerable when there was no place on the world for him to be that way.

The world was not black and white. Nikolai wasn't the perfect fix-everything king he wanted to be. He wasn't a saint. He had committed numerous crimes. Hell, if he wasn't a royal he would have been hung by then.

And Aleksander, despite all the awful cloud of sins around him, despite the cruelty and the crimes, he hadn't always been like this. The world they lived in made this man this way. And Nikolai wanted to be angry at him for being this way, but he kept thinking, if had all that power, if he had eternity on his side, wouldn't he turn into something equal or worse than the Darkling? Wouldn't everyone?

They could all say they wouldn't. But the truth is that there wasn't a way to know. Because Aleksander was unique. And for that, Nikolai seemed to want to look the other way and enjoy some moments alone with him.

Aleksander helped him out of bed, prepared him a bath and helped Nikolai cleaning himself. For all the nights they had shared, this was more intimate. They didn't really spoke.

Nikolai leaned his head back, feeling Aleksander's fingertips on his scalp. He felt so weak that he almost fell asleep on the tub.

"Moi tsar," Aleksander petted his cheek. "Stay with me."

"I'm awake." But his eyes weren't open. They felt heavy.

"If this is an attempt to make me carry you to the bed,"

"Of course it is."

Aleksander shook his head. And cleaned Nikolai's face with a towel.

"You look a lot better."

"I still feel like terrible. Genya said she purged the majority of the poison. But there could be little bits she wasn't finding. It won’t kill me."

“Just make you feel awful.” Aleksander completed. "They were not very smart on trying to poison you when you have a poison expert in your circle."

"I suppose that's a good way to look at it."

"Did you really think you were going to die?"

"Didn't you?"

Aleksander rested his chin on the edge of the bathtub. "Sometimes I think you're unkillable."

But that was just a thought to cover up the images of Nikolai losing his life that sometimes made it hard to sleep at night.

"I'm starting to think that myself."

"Did you mean it?" Nikolai looked at him. "Would you drag me back?"

"Of course, I would. What else would I do? Stay here with these people?"

"How would you do it?"

"I am not sure." Aleksander admitted. "But you and I have a talent for the impossible."

Nikolai stared into his gray eyes. They always seemed to have an answer. The king leaned in and kissed Aleksander softly and shortly.

"Thank you for staying by my side." Aleksander noticed Nikolai's face change. "I am sorry I called your name in front of them."

He should be angry. But the fact that Nikolai was apologizing meant he knew it was important for Aleksander to remain unfamiliar to everyone else. "Now they know."

The king nodded.

"They will hate you because of me, Nikolai."

"I know."

"It must bother you. That your friends would turn on you like this.”

Nikolai felt bad but he was honest. "No. I wish I cared. I know I should. But I can't bring myself to do it."

The back of his neck was found by Aleksander' soft hand and they both were taken over by the sense of comfort. This was why it was so difficult for them to do anything else. Who would care about the world when they could just touch each other’s skins?

"As long as I have you,"

"Don't say that. You need them too." It was hard to admit, but it was a hard truth. "Genya saved you today. Not me. The heartrender twins took care of you. Not me. They are loyal to you. You should want to keep them that way. I might be something to sacrifice soon enough."

"Don’t say that."

Aleksander sighed and looked at his Nikolai. "When the wars end, I will have no place with you. Not one that you can justify to the others."

“What’s the point of being the king if you don’t have a few things you don’t have to justify to anyone?”

The truth was that Nikolai wanted for Aleksander to be there forever. All he wanted was to everyone else to forget every bad thing he had ever done. It was impossible and truly wicked that he even thought of wishing that. But that was all it would ever be, a wish. Nikolai would always follow honor and duty. His first love was Ravka. And his love was draining him out of options and sanity and maybe that was why the arms of The Darkling kept him safe.

"The wars never end. You will always be needed here. With me."

Aleksander should argue, tell him that he was wrong. He didn’t want to. He wanted to hold Nikolai’s hand and forget about everything else.

“Why do you want me so much, moi Tsar?”

Nikolai felt attacked with the sudden question.

“Why did you stay in your cell when you could have left? Why did you choose to be treated like a prisoner for months, instead of killing all of us and be done with it?”

Aleksander sighed. He supposed they were fair questions. But if Nikolai wasn’t going to answer why should he?

“It was quite comic to have you put me in chains and think that is what was stopping me.”

Nikolai bite his lips. “You know what you are?”

“A mad man?”

“Yes,”

“A danger to your kingdom?”

“Most likely.”

“The most inappropriate mistress in the history of Lantsov’s affairs?”

“I can assume so. But what you really are, is a rock in my boot.”

“I’m rather offended.”

Nikolai leaned in, speaking in a lower tone. “Are your feelings hurt, moi soverennyi?”

His gray eyes followed Nikolai’s lips. “Deeply,”

“My apologies.”

“No need to lie to my face, boy king.”

*

The palace was still on lockdown, but the threat was not present anymore.

That’s what the guards told the triumvirate. Genya and David finally got some deserved rest and collected themselves into their room, for once. The twins had a break too, since The Darkling volunteered to guard Nikolai. Nobody argued against it. No one said anything at all. Zoya however stayed in Nikolai’s chamber them. To Aleksander’s surprise, Zoya stayed silent doing paperwork. She was tired too and one could argue she needed to rest. But Aleksander didn’t comment on it. She would be even more alert if he even directed his speech to her.

For the second time in less than 24 hours Zoya and him found themselves startled at an outside sound. This time it wasn’t a bomb, it was something sudden, steps and then a fall. They glanced at each other from across the room as they heard a key on the door.

He lifted a finger to his lips and before she could protest and act, he raised his hands. The room was swallowed in darkness before the door opened. Zoya moved quickly. A dagger she keft under Kefta was on her hand and soon enough, against the throat of the perpetrator.

“I got them.”

Aleksander was standing in front of Nikolai’s bed when the shadows lifted, and the light of the candles filled.

“It’s a little late for a visit.”

Zoya pulled the man by his hair and kicked his ankle, making him fall on one knee. He raised his hands in the air and looked up at The Darkling.

“Fjerdan.” Aleksander noted.

“I guess your interrogation went well.” Zoya said.

“Well enough to get a murder attempt. You are the general. What should we do?”

“We could just kill him.”

Aleksander could almost swear she had smiled at the panic on the man’s face.

“Not tell anyone else. If the Fjerdans come look for him, we pretend we don’t know anything. They can’t blame us for killing a soldier of theirs without having to admit publicly that they sent an assassin to the king’s room.”

“It would save us trouble. There’s already enough foreign soldiers up for trials.” He sighed. “I suppose we could take him into custody and accuse him of attempting a coup tomorrow morning. Who sent you? The Fjerdan king, the ambassador, your commander?”

The man spat on the floor.

“Grisha scum!”

Zoya looked at The Darkling and for the first time in a long time, they shared a thought.

“Wake the king up. I will show our guest the cells.”

“I don’t trust you.”

“I am not asking you to.” Aleksander grabbed the man by his jacket and pulled him outside the bedroom.

Zoya was almost shocked at how Nikolai had slept through it all. When she managed to wake him, she remembered why he was so deep in sleep. Genya had given him a sedative, to help him rest.

He woke up confused and dizzy. She let him know there had been an attempt to kill him and by noticing the absence of Aleksander in room he panicked, assuming he was the guilty one. And though he hadn’t said it, she noticed his eyes searching the room.

“The Darkling took him to one of the cells. I should go. But there will not be anyone here to keep an eye on you. Maybe you should come and stay by.”

Zoya helped him out of the bed, and they made their way out of the bedroom. There were guards on the floor across the hallway. It made Nikolai stop. Zoya touched his arm but he ran from her to check if they were dead. Their throats were slit. Each and everyone of them.

Nikolai was not easily shocked, but he was highly sensitive to the losses of his guards and soldiers. They were more than negative numbers on a paper. Although everyone appreciated this about the king, it also made things complicated. Every attack seemed made Nikolai break into little pieces.

“Your Highness,” she said and then leaned closer, friendlier. “Nikolai. We have to keep moving. And get to the cell.”

“No. I’ll go to the cell. Call them. Wake up everyone.” He looked back at her. “Now, Nazyalensky. We don’t have much time.”

Nikolai took two rifles on his guards and ran, only slowing down once he smelled the blood.


	11. The boy in the dark

Nikolai had seen Aleksander use the cut, but it still impressed him everytime to the point that time seemed to stop. Except Aleksander missed one of the five men and Nikolai had to snap back to reality. His hands were shaking when he pointed the rifle at the Fjerdan soldier, and the shot made Nikolai almost lose his balance. He felt like he was back at the army, learning how to hold a gun properly.

Aleksander looked back at him, surprised at his presence.

“You shouldn’t be out here,” Aleksander hissed walking up to the king to support him. “Are you hurt?”

“No, just dizzy. What is going on?”

“The Fjerdans are trying to kill you.”

“What’s new?” Nikolai tilted his head.

“They are guests in your palace. That is new.” Aleksander looked around. “Are you okay to walk?”

“I’m okay to run.”

“Good boy.” Aleksander reached for his hand. “Come, we have to get you somewhere safe.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Nikolai pulled his arm back. “They killed my guards. And who knows how many people. I need to repay.”

“Nikolai,”

“They’re not Grisha, Aleksander. I can kill them.”

Aleksander sighed and touched Nikolai’s arms. “You’re not Grisha either. And you’re not bulletproof.”

“Are you being protective all of the sudden?”

“Don’t be stubborn, for once in your life.”

“The day I let enemies kill my people and hide in my room it’s the day I die. And I did not spend a whole day in agony to die today.” Nikolai checked the chamber of his rifle for bullets. “Keep up, will you?!”

Aleksander watched him walk away. An otkazat’sya too brave for his own good. Too proud too. But Aleksander couldn’t completely despise this behavior.

“You’re not even wearing shoes.” He followed the king.

“Didn’t have time for that.”

Aleksander grabbed Nikolai’s hand. It was like having a toddler showing him the way, except this toddler was taller than him and holding a riffle.

“Good thing you were wearing clothes tonight.”

“Oh, can you imagine if someone came into my chamber to kill me and found us in bed?”

“No.” Aleksander looked around as they ran. “I can not.”

“Outrageous! I would return to life if that’s what gets me killed. Laying with a demon.”

“I’m not a demon.”

“You snore like one.” Nikolai stopped walking.

They heard the steps of dozens of people running towards the hall they were on. Nikolai lifted his rifle, but Aleksander touched his arm.

“Stay here.”

“Don’t leave me.”

Aleksander wanted to ask why he needed to stay if Nikolai didn’t need protection, but it wasn’t a moment to be petty.

“It will only take a few seconds, just—”

“No!”

Aleksander rolled his eyes and raised his hands as people came closer.

“Wait, it can be our people.”

“I doubt that.” He said, but he waited until the first shot was fired.

Aleksander’s shadows spread along the hallway. Nikolai was drowning in darkness. He couldn’t feel Aleksander near him anymore. He was as helpless as a child afraid of the dark searching for someone to save him. The king heard shooting and he knew he should shoot too, but how was he supposed to shoot in the dark without anything disgraceful happen? The firing faded when bodies were thrown into the walls.

“Aleksander,” he called loudly. “bring back the light!”

There wasn’t much light to begin with but as soon as the shadows stepped back and Nikolai was able to see silhouettes he noticed that not all of the enemy soldiers were down. There was one, just a few steps away from him. Nikolai let the man come closer to attack him and hit him in the chin with the rifle before shooting him in the head. The blast left him dizzy. Or perhaps he was dizzy before.

His heart was beating so loudly, it was the only thing he could hear. He took another shot to a silhouette running towards him. His aim was off, he hit the man in the shoulder. He had no bullets left but he had given himself time to steal the dead soldier’s sword. When the man was close enough, Nikolai swung the sword and cut his throat. The blood splattered over the king before the body fell to the ground.

Aleksander wasn’t pleased to leave Nikolai behind but he needed to know if there were more people coming towards them. He was surprised and relieved to learn the Ravkan guards and the second army were retaking the palace. Zoya wasn’t the only one ringing the bells and the alarms. The palace was awake. It was time for the king to go to rest.

However, when Aleksander came back for the king he was standing in the middle of the dark, quiet, alone. Bodies were all around him.

"Nikolai," Aleksander called, trying to make sure Nikolai knew it wasn’t an enemy before he stepped closer.

But the king didn’t seem to be present. There was just a young, frightened man standing there. Aleksander walked towards him, he noticed the unstable breathing, the shaking. He was standing in a pool of blood and Aleksander’s only concern was that none of it wasn’t Nikolai’s. Most of it seemed to be someone else's. But the cut in Nikolai’s shirt made Aleksander sure that he was hurt.

Aleksander grabbed Nikolai's shoulder, gently. "Moi Tsar,"

Nikolai blinked, having Aleksander clean his cheek. His beautiful face desecrated with some filthy Fjerdan’s blood.

"It's over. You're safe."

"We have to secure the palace,"

"Nikolai. It's over." He repeated. "The guards are up, the remaining Fjerdans are locked in the cells. Zoya has things under control. Let's get you back to your room, before people see you like this."

He didn't answer, he just let himself being pulled away by Aleksander. His hands were trembling again. He felt sweaty and nauseated again. It felt like there was a constant earthquake. The only thing that was strong and unshakable was Aleksander in his defensive posture. His arm around Nikolai’s back was the only thing keeping the king from stumbling.

When they got to Nikolai's chamber, he was steadier. Aleksander sat him down and brought a basket of hot water where he dipped clean towels to clean the blood off his skin. He cleaned his feet first. Nikolai had probably left a trail of bloody footsteps to his room. 

"Bring me some clean clothes, I need to go—"

"You are not going anywhere. You shouldn't even had left the bed earlier."

"The palace—"

"Things are under control. May I remind you were poisoned last morning? You are still recovering, Nikolai. You can barely stand up."

" _I am the king_. I can _not_ lay in bed and let other people deal with the problems."

"You can and you will. You are the king and if you want to remain the king, I suggest you lay down and try to get some rest. Let Zoya and your ministers deal with it. It's their job."

"They killed _my people_."

Aleksander touched the king's wrist and showed the dry blood under his nails.

"And you got them back. Time to rest, warrior king."

"Something happened to me."

They looked at each other. Aleksander dipped the towel in water and brushed it against Nikolai's face. He seemed so tired. Why couldn’t he just let himself rest for once?

Aleksander barely remembered what Nikolai looked like when he was younger. He never really cared for him. Nikolai was the youngest son, the bastard prince. He would have never guessed Nikolai would end up becoming the king. Besides he wasn't the play soldier Vasily had been. While the previous king and Vasily attended military meetings, Nikolai had been away, serving in the first army. Aleksander wasn't particularly impressed by hearing that. The young prince had a certain reputation of being undisciplined and doing things his way.

Now, in adulthood, Nikolai looked more like a boy than ever. He looked weary and in need of a warm embrace. It reminded Aleksander of the boy he once was, a long time ago. In the end, Nikolai was in need of salvation, just as he had been. Or still was. Aleksander was not sure of anything anymore.

"I can't explain it. I blacked out. I hadn't felt like this since... Since the last time I had the demon in me."

"Take your shirt off.”

“Now is not the time, Aleksander.”

Aleksander lifted the fabric. “You have a cut in your abdomen.”

He practically ripped the shirt out of Nikolai, since the king’s movements were still slow, and he cleaned the blood of his wound. “It’s not deep. But losing blood is not ideal while you’re still recovering.”

“Is losing blood ideal in any situation?”

Aleksander rolled his eyes and stood up to leave. “I’ll call you a healer.”

“They’re probably busy, I’m sure there are guards worst than me.”

“You’re the priority.”

“Can you stop treating me like a child?” Nikolai looked up at him.

The tone left the air in the room rather tense.

No, Aleksander could not stop. Because Nikolai was as fragile as a child. He was as fragile as porcelain. Nikolai was a cloud that would dissipate with the slightest northern wind. As far as Aleksander was concerned, Nikolai Lantsov, the great king of Ravka, was made of glass. And in the last few hours, he had been hit badly. But not anymore. Not as long as he was alive and had his power to protect the king.

“No. I can not. But maybe it would help if you acted like a grown man instead of a hot head mess.”

“…Thought you liked that.” Nikolai raised his eyebrow.

“Trying to seduce your way out of an argument just proves me right.”

“Are we arguing?”

“You’re the one raising your voice.” Aleksander gathered bandages and kneeled in front of his king to take care of the cut in his stomach. “Be quiet, all right?”

“That’s impossible.”

“Don’t you mean _improbable_?”

“Are you mocking me?”

“Don’t be upset. I just wanted you to realize how annoying you sound.”

“If you’re going to lock me in my room, can you at least be pleasant?”

That he could. In fact, the fact that Nikolai seemed to be in need of something to comfort him made Aleksander powerless to his wits. Aleksander had been good at pretending to comfort people, but Nikolai would see right through him.

The king had his hand held by him, in his best attempt to make peace. Nikolai squeezed his pale, delicate hand in return.

“I will make this night as pleasant as I can.”

Nikolai’s other hand wrapped around Aleksander’s neck. His gray eyes turned up and Nikolai was able to really take a good look at Aleksander at last. Stable Aleksander. Unbreakable Aleksander. Or was he in The Darkling costume? No, it wasn’t possible. The Darkling would not look at him tenderly in the light of the candles.

Nikolai dared to hope that The Darkling was gone, vanished between the moments Aleksander had given him. _Let that name be forgotten, let Aleksander live and let him live with me_. He wasn’t sure who he was talking to. He wasn’t exactly a religious person and the saints didn’t proof to be the biggest sources of hope for prayer. Maybe he was losing his mind, maybe that was the curse of being hopeful.

He knew. Nikolai knew how unlikely it was that he had earned Aleksander’s love. But he had crossed so many lines in life, done so many things other could only dream of. Healing Aleksander’s sorrows and hatred, while unliky, was possible. Right? Or was he just a dreamer?

Worse than that. Was Nikolai just wanting to see what he wanted to see? The good parts? The smiles, the warm words of comfort, the protective side of Aleksander — Was this real, or was everyone else right about the two of them? Was this real, or was he just in love?

Aleksander held Nikolai’s hand to his face. He squeezed it and pressed his lips to Nikolai’s scarred palms. By the look on his face, by the way he had shut his eyes, it seemed like the forgotten connection they had shared was still alive. It seemed like Nikolai was a source of energy for him. Was that it? Was Nikolai still containing his darkness?

The king found himself relieved. If he was a source of darkness, then perhaps Aleksander would never leave him behind, alone. They could be each other’s, even if no one else understood. It didn’t matter, not if it was possible to have Aleksander tied to him like that.

Nikolai saw Aleksander’s eyes open and stare back at him. “ _Thank you_.”

“ _You are welcome, moi Tsar_.”

He allowed Aleksander to call a Healer after half an hour of small talk. The wound hadn’t infected, but everything felt a lot better after it was taken care of.

Nikolai did not remember falling asleep after the Healer left. He just remembered laying his head against Aleksander’s chest and having him brush his hair. He remembered telling Aleksander he couldn’t sleep, despite feeling weaker than he had ever been. He exhausted and outplanned and in need of a miracle. But somehow Aleksander got him to sleep in his arms until it was morning, and the sun was high.


End file.
